Back Aa

Perverted Proverbs: A Manual of Immorals for the Many

<SPAN name="startofbook"></SPAN> <h1>PERVERTED<br/> PROVERBS</h1> <h3><i>A MANUAL OF IMMORALS<br/> FOR THE MANY</i></h3> <h5>BY</h5> <h2>COL. D. STREAMER</h2> <p class="center p2">Author of "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless<br/> Homes" "Ballads of the Boer War"<br/> "The Baby's Baedeker"</p> <div class="figcenter"> <SPAN name="19"></SPAN> <ANTIMG src="images/logo.jpg" width-obs="150" height-obs="182" alt="Illustration: Printer's Logo" title="Printer's Logo" /></div> <h3>NEW YORK<br/> <small>R. H. RUSSELL</small><br/> 1903</h3> <p class="center p4"><i>Copyright, 1903, by Robert Howard Russell</i><br/> Published May, 1903.</p> <hr /> <h1 class="p4">PERVERTED PROVERBS</h1> <h3 class="p4"><i>Perverted Proverbs</i></h3> <h5><i>Dedicated to</i></h5> <h3><i>Helen Whitney</i></h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Do you recall those bygone days,</span> <span class="i0">When you received with kindly praise</span> <span class="i2">My bantling book of Rhyme?</span> <span class="i0">Praise undeserved, alas! and yet</span> <span class="i0">How sweet! For, tho' we had not met,</span> <span class="i2">(Ah! what a waste of time!)</span> <span class="i0">I could the more enjoy such mercies</span> <span class="i0">Since I delighted in <i>your</i> verses.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And when a Poet stoops to smile</span> <span class="i0">On some one of the rank and file,</span> <span class="i2">(Inglorious—if not mute,)</span> <span class="i0">Some groundling bard who craves to climb,</span> <span class="i0">Like me, the dizzy rungs of Rhyme,</span> <span class="i2">To reach the Golden Fruit;</span> <span class="i0">For one in such a situation</span> <span class="i0">The faintest praise is no damnation.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Parnassus heights must surely pall;</span> <span class="i0">For simpler diet do you call,</span> <span class="i2">Of nectar growing tired?</span> <span class="i0">These verses to your feet I bring,</span> <span class="i0">Drawn from an unassuming spring,</span> <span class="i2">Well-meant—if not inspired;</span> <span class="i0">O charming Poet's charming daughter,</span> <span class="i0">Descend and taste my toast and water!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">For you alone these lines I write,</span> <span class="i0">That, reading them, your brow may light</span> <span class="i2">Beneath its crown of bays;</span> <span class="i0">Your eyes may sparkle like a star,</span> <span class="i0">With friendship, that is dearer far</span> <span class="i2">Than any breath of praise;</span> <span class="i0">The which a lucky man possessing</span> <span class="i0">Can ask no higher human blessing.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And, though the "salt estranging sea"</span> <span class="i0">Be widely spread 'twixt you and me,</span> <span class="i2">We have what makes amends;</span> <span class="i0">And since I am so glad of you,</span> <span class="i0">Be glad of me a little, too,</span> <span class="i2">Because of being friends.</span> <span class="i0">And, if I earn your approbation,</span> <span class="i0">Accept my humble dedication.</span></div> </div> <p class="quotsig">H. G.</p> <h3 class="p4"><i>Foreword</i></h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">The Press may pass my Verses by</span> <span class="i2">With sentiments of indignation,</span> <span class="i0">And say, like Greeks of old, that I</span> <span class="i2">Corrupt the Youthful Generation;</span> <span class="i0">I am unmoved by taunts like these—</span> <span class="i0">(And so, I think, was Socrates).</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Howe'er the Critics may revile,</span> <span class="i2">I pick no journalistic quarrels,</span> <span class="i0">Quite realizing that my Style</span> <span class="i2">Makes up for any lack of Morals;</span> <span class="i0">For which I feel no shred of shame—</span> <span class="i0">(And Byron would have felt the same).</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">I don't intend a Child to read</span> <span class="i2">These lines, which are not for the Young;</span> <span class="i0">For, if I did, I should indeed</span> <span class="i2">Feel fully worthy to be hung.</span> <span class="i0">(Is "hanged" the perfect tense of "hang"?</span> <span class="i0">Correct me, Mr. Andrew Lang!)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">O Young of Heart, tho' in your prime,</span> <span class="i2">By you these Verses may be seen!</span> <span class="i0">Accept the Moral with the Rhyme,</span> <span class="i2">And try to gather what I mean.</span> <span class="i0">But, if you can't, it won't hurt me!</span> <span class="i0">(And Browning would, I know, agree.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Be reassured, I have not got</span> <span class="i2">The style of Stephen Phillips' heroes,</span> <span class="i0">Nor Henry Jones's pow'r of Plot,</span> <span class="i2">Nor wit like Arthur Wing Pinero's!</span> <span class="i0">(If so, I should not waste my time</span> <span class="i0">In writing you this sort of rhyme.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">I strive to paint things as they Are,</span> <span class="i2">Of Realism the true Apostle;</span> <span class="i0">All flow'ry metaphors I bar,</span> <span class="i2">Nor call the homely thrush a "throstle."</span> <span class="i0">Such synonyms would make me smile.</span> <span class="i0">(And so they would have made Carlyle.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">My Style may be at times, I own,</span> <span class="i2">A trifle cryptic or abstruse;</span> <span class="i0">In this I do not stand alone,</span> <span class="i2">And need but mention, in excuse,</span> <span class="i0">A thousand world-familiar names,</span> <span class="i0">From Meredith to Henry James.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">From these my fruitless fancy roams</span> <span class="i2">To seek the Ade of Modern Fable,</span> <span class="i0">From Doyle's or Hemans' "Stately Ho(l)mes,"</span> <span class="i2">To t'other of The Breakfast Table;</span> <span class="i0">Like Galahad, I wish (in vain)</span> <span class="i0">"My wit were as the wit of Twain!"</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Had I but Whitman's rugged skill,</span> <span class="i2">(And managed to escape the Censor),</span> <span class="i0">The Accuracy of a Mill,</span> <span class="i2">The Reason of a Herbert Spencer,</span> <span class="i0">The literary talents even</span> <span class="i0">Of Sidney Lee or Leslie Stephen.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The pow'r of Patmore's placid pen,</span> <span class="i2">Or Watson's gift of execration,</span> <span class="i0">The sugar of Le Gallienne,</span> <span class="i2">Or Algernon's Alliteration.</span> <span class="i0">One post there is I'd not be lost in,</span> <span class="i0">—Tho' I might find it most ex-austin'!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Some day, if I but study hard,</span> <span class="i2">The public, vanquished by my pen'll</span> <span class="i0">Acclaim me as a Minor Bard,</span> <span class="i2">Like Norman Gale or Mrs. Meynell,</span> <span class="i0">And listen to my lyre a-rippling</span> <span class="i0">Imperial banjo-spasms like Kipling.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Were I a syndicate like K.</span> <span class="i2">Or flippant scholar like Augustine;</span> <span class="i0">Had I the style of Pater, say,</span> <span class="i2">Which ev'ryone would put their trust in,</span> <span class="i0">I'd love (as busy as a squirrel)</span> <span class="i0">To pate, to kipple, and to birrel.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">So don't ignore me. If you should,</span> <span class="i2">'Twill touch me to the very heart oh!</span> <span class="i0">To be as much misunderstood</span> <span class="i2">As once was Andrea del Sarto;</span> <span class="i0">Unrecognized to toil away,</span> <span class="i0">Like Millet—not, of course, Mill<i>ais</i>.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And, pray, for Morals do not look</span> <span class="i2">In this unique agglomeration,</span> <span class="i0">—This unpretentious little book</span> <span class="i2">Of Infelicitous Quotation.</span> <span class="i0">I deem you foolish if you do,</span> <span class="i0">(And Mr. Russell thinks so, too).</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4"><i>"Virtue is Its Own Reward"</i></h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Virtue its own reward? Alas!</span> <span class="i2">And what a poor one as a rule!</span> <span class="i0">Be Virtuous and Life will pass</span> <span class="i2">Like one long term of Sunday-School.</span> <span class="i0">(No prospect, truly, could one find</span> <span class="i0">More unalluring to the mind.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">You may imagine that it pays</span> <span class="i2">To practise Goodness. Not a bit!</span> <span class="i0">You cease receiving any praise</span> <span class="i2">When people have got used to it;</span> <span class="i0">'Tis generally understood</span> <span class="i0">You find it <i>easy</i> to be good.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The Model Child has got to keep</span> <span class="i2">His fingers and his garments white;</span> <span class="i0">In church he may not go to sleep,</span> <span class="i2">Nor ask to stop up late at night.</span> <span class="i0">In fact he must not ever do</span> <span class="i0">A single thing he wishes to.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He may not paddle in his boots,</span> <span class="i2">Like naughty children, at the Sea;</span> <span class="i0">The sweetness of Forbidden Fruits</span> <span class="i2">Is not, alas! for such as he.</span> <span class="i0">He watches, with pathetic eyes,</span> <span class="i0">His weaker brethren make mud-pies.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He must not answer back, oh no!</span> <span class="i2">However rude grown-ups may be,</span> <span class="i0">But keep politely silent, tho'</span> <span class="i2">He brim with scathing repartee;</span> <span class="i0">For nothing is considered worse</span> <span class="i0">Than scoring off Mamma or Nurse.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He must not eat too much at meals,</span> <span class="i2">Nor scatter crumbs upon the floor;</span> <span class="i0">However vacuous he feels,</span> <span class="i2">He may not pass his plate for more;</span> <span class="i0">—Not tho' his ev'ry organ ache</span> <span class="i0">For further slabs of Christmas cake.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He is enjoined to choose his food</span> <span class="i2">From what is easy to digest;</span> <span class="i0">A choice which in itself is good,</span> <span class="i2">But never what <i>he</i> likes the best.</span> <span class="i0">(At times how madly he must wish</span> <span class="i0">For just <i>one</i> real unwholesome dish!)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And, when the wretched urchin plays</span> <span class="i2">With other little girls and boys,</span> <span class="i0">He has to show unselfish ways</span> <span class="i2">By giving them his choicest toys;</span> <span class="i0">His ears he lets them freely box,</span> <span class="i0">Or pull his lubricated locks.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">His face is always being washed,</span> <span class="i2">His hair perpetually brushed,</span> <span class="i0">And thus his brighter side is squashed,</span> <span class="i2">His human instincts warped and crushed;</span> <span class="i0">Small wonder that his early years</span> <span class="i0">Are filled with "thoughts too deep for tears."</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He is commanded not to waste</span> <span class="i2">The fleeting hours of childhood's days</span> <span class="i0">By giving way to any taste</span> <span class="i2">For circuses or matinées;</span> <span class="i0">For him the entertainments planned</span> <span class="i0">Are "Lectures on the Holy Land."</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He never reads a story book</span> <span class="i2">By Rider H. or Winston C.,</span> <span class="i0">In vain upon his desk you'd look</span> <span class="i2">For tales by Richard Harding D.;</span> <span class="i0">Nor could you find upon his shelf</span> <span class="i0">The works of Rudyard—or myself!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He always fears that he may do</span> <span class="i2">Some action that is <i>infra dig.</i>,</span> <span class="i0">And so he lives his short life through</span> <span class="i2">In the most noxious rôle of Prig.</span> <span class="i0">("Short life" I say, for it's agreed</span> <span class="i0">The Good die very young indeed.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Ah me! How sad it is to think</span> <span class="i2">He could have lived like me—or you!</span> <span class="i0">With practice and a taste for drink,</span> <span class="i2">Our joys he might have known, he too!</span> <span class="i0">And shared the pleasure <i>we</i> have had</span> <span class="i0">In being gloriously bad!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The Naughty Boy gets much delight</span> <span class="i2">From doing what he should not do;</span> <span class="i0">But, as such conduct isn't Right,</span> <span class="i2">He sometimes suffers for it, too.</span> <span class="i0">Yet, what's a spanking to the fun</span> <span class="i0">Of leaving vital things Undone?</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">If he's notoriously bad,</span> <span class="i2">But for a day should change his ways,</span> <span class="i0">His parents will be all so glad,</span> <span class="i2">They'll shower him with gifts and praise!</span> <span class="i0">(It pays a connoisseur in crimes</span> <span class="i0">To be a perfect saint at times.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Of course there always lies the chance</span> <span class="i2">That he is charged with being ill,</span> <span class="i0">And all his innocent romance</span> <span class="i2">Is ruined by a rhubarb pill.</span> <span class="i0">(Alas! 'Tis not alone the Good</span> <span class="i0">That are so much misunderstood.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">But, as a rule, when he behaves</span> <span class="i2">(Evincing no malarial signs),</span> <span class="i0">His friends are all his faithful slaves,</span> <span class="i2">Until he once again declines</span> <span class="i0">With easy conscience, more or less,</span> <span class="i0">To undiluted wickedness.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The Wicked flourish like the bay,</span> <span class="i2">At Cards or Love they always win,</span> <span class="i0">Good Fortune dogs their steps all day,</span> <span class="i2">They fatten while the Good grow thin.</span> <span class="i0">The Righteous Man has much to bear;</span> <span class="i0">The Bad becomes a Bullionaire!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">For, though he be the greatest sham,</span> <span class="i2">Luck favours him his whole life through;</span> <span class="i0">At "Bridge" he always makes a Slam</span> <span class="i2">After declaring "Sans atout";</span> <span class="i0">With ev'ry deal his fate has planned</span> <span class="i0">A hundred Aces in his hand.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And it is always just the same;</span> <span class="i2">He somehow manages to win,</span> <span class="i0">By mere good fortune, any game</span> <span class="i2">That he may be competing in.</span> <span class="i0">At Golf no bunker breaks his club,</span> <span class="i0">For him the green provides no "rub."</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">At Billiards, too, he flukes away</span> <span class="i2">(With quite unnecessary "side");</span> <span class="i0">No matter what he tries to play,</span> <span class="i2">For him the pockets open wide;</span> <span class="i0">He never finds both balls in baulk,</span> <span class="i0">Or makes miss-cues for want of chalk.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">He swears; he very likely bets;</span> <span class="i2">He even wears a flaming necktie;</span> <span class="i0">Inhales Egyptian cigarettes</span> <span class="i2">And has a "Mens Inconscia Recti";</span> <span class="i0">Yet, spite of all, one must confess</span> <span class="i0">That naught succeeds like his excess.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">There's no occasion to be Just,</span> <span class="i2">No need for motives that are fine,</span> <span class="i0">To be Director of a Trust,</span> <span class="i2">Or Manager of a Combine;</span> <span class="i0">Your corner is a public curse,</span> <span class="i0">Perhaps; but it will fill your purse.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Then stride across the Public's bones,</span> <span class="i2">Crush all opponents under you,</span> <span class="i0">Until you "rise on stepping-stones</span> <span class="i2">Of their dead selves"; and, when you do,</span> <span class="i0">The widow's and the orphan's tears</span> <span class="i0">Shall comfort your declining years!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">But having had your boom in oil,</span> <span class="i2">And made your millions out of it,</span> <span class="i0">Would you propose to cease from toil?</span> <span class="i2">Great Vanderfeller! Not a bit!</span> <span class="i0">You've <i>got</i> to labour, day and night,</span> <span class="i0">Until you die—and serve you right!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Then, when you stop this frenzied race,</span> <span class="i2">And others in your office sit,</span> <span class="i0">You'll leave the world a better place,</span> <span class="i2">—The better for your leaving it!</span> <span class="i0">For there's a chance perhaps your heir</span> <span class="i0">May spend what you've collected there.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Myself, how lucky I must be,</span> <span class="i2">That need not fear so gross an end;</span> <span class="i0">Since Fortune has not favoured me</span> <span class="i2">With many million pounds to spend.</span> <span class="i0">(Still, did that fickle Dame relent,</span> <span class="i0">I'd show you how they <i>should</i> be spent!)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">I am not saint enough to feel</span> <span class="i2">My shoulder ripen to a wing,</span> <span class="i0">Nor have I wits enough to steal</span> <span class="i2">His title from the Copper King;</span> <span class="i0">And there's a vasty gulf between</span> <span class="i0">The Man I Am and Might Have Been;</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">But tho' at dinner I may take</span> <span class="i2">Too much of Heidsieck (extra dry),</span> <span class="i0">And underneath the table make</span> <span class="i2">My simple couch just where I lie,</span> <span class="i0">My mode of roosting on the floor</span> <span class="i0">Is just a trick and nothing more.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And when, not Wisely but too Well,</span> <span class="i2">My thirst I have contrived to quench,</span> <span class="i0">The stories I am apt to tell</span> <span class="i2">May be, perhaps, a trifle French;</span> <span class="i0">(For 'tis in anecdote, no doubt,</span> <span class="i0">That what's Bred in the Beaune comes out.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">It does not render me unfit</span> <span class="i2">To give advice, both wise and right,</span> <span class="i0">Because I do not follow it</span> <span class="i2">Myself as closely as I might;</span> <span class="i0">There's nothing that I wouldn't do</span> <span class="i0">To point the proper road to <i>you</i>.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And this I'm sure of, more or less,</span> <span class="i2">And trust that you will all agree,</span> <span class="i0">The Elements of Happiness</span> <span class="i2">Consist in being—just like Me;</span> <span class="i0">No sinner, nor a saint perhaps,</span> <span class="i0">But—well, the very best of chaps.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Share the Experience I have had,</span> <span class="i2">Consider all I've known and seen,</span> <span class="i0">And Don't be Good, and Don't be Bad,</span> <span class="i2">But cultivate a Golden Mean.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">     *     *     *     *     *     *     *</span></div> </div> <div class="poem"> <span class="i0">What makes Existence <i>really</i> nice</span> <span class="i0">Is Virtue—with a dash of Vice.</span></div> <h3 class="p4">"<i>Enough is as Good as a Feast.</i>"</h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">What is Enough? An idle dream!</span> <span class="i2">One cannot have enough, I swear,</span> <span class="i0">Of Ices or Meringues-and-Cream,</span> <span class="i2">Nougat or Chocolate Eclairs,</span> <span class="i0">Of Oysters or of Caviar,</span> <span class="i0">Of Prawns or Paté de Foie <i>Grar</i>!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Who would not willingly forsake</span> <span class="i2">Kindred and Home, without a fuss,</span> <span class="i0">For Icing from a Birthday Cake,</span> <span class="i2">Or juicy fat Asparagus,</span> <span class="i0">And journey over countless seas</span> <span class="i0">For New Potatoes and Green Peas?</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">They say that a Contented Mind</span> <span class="i2">Is a Continual Feast;—but where</span> <span class="i0">The mental frame, and how to find,</span> <span class="i2">Which can with Turtle Soup compare?</span> <span class="i0">No mind, however full of Ease,</span> <span class="i0">Could be Continual Toasted Cheese.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">For dinner have a sole to eat,</span> <span class="i2">(Some Perrier Jouet, '92,)</span> <span class="i0">An Entrée then (and, with the meat,</span> <span class="i2">A bottle of Lafitte will do),</span> <span class="i0">A quail, a glass of port (just one),</span> <span class="i0">Liqueurs and coffee, and you've done.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">But should you want a hearty meal,</span> <span class="i2">And not this gourmet's lightsome snack,</span> <span class="i0">Fill up with terrapin and teal,</span> <span class="i2">Clam chowder, crabs and canvasback;</span> <span class="i0">With all varieties of sauce,</span> <span class="i0">And diff'rent wines for ev'ry course.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Your tastes may be of simpler type;—</span> <span class="i2">A homely glass of "half-and-half,"</span> <span class="i0">An onion and a dish of tripe,</span> <span class="i2">Or headpiece of the kindly calf.</span> <span class="i0">(Cruel perhaps, but then, you know,</span> <span class="i0">"'<i>Faut tout souffrir pour être veau!</i>")</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">'Tis a mistake to eat too much</span> <span class="i2">Of any dishes but the best;</span> <span class="i0">And you, of course, should never touch</span> <span class="i2">A thing you <i>know</i> you can't digest;</span> <span class="i0">For instance, lobster;—if you <i>do</i>,</span> <span class="i0">Well,—I'm amayonnaised at you!</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Let this be your heraldic crest,</span> <span class="i2">A bottle (chargé) of Champagne,</span> <span class="i0">A chicken (gorged) with salad (dress'd),</span> <span class="i2">Below, this motto to explain—</span> <span class="i0">"Enough is Very Good, may be;</span> <span class="i0">Too Much is Good Enough for Me!"</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4">"<i>Don't Buy a Pig in a Poke.</i>"</h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Unscrupulous Pigmongers will</span> <span class="i2">Attempt to wheedle and to coax</span> <span class="i0">The ignorant young housewife till</span> <span class="i2">She purchases her pigs in pokes;</span> <span class="i0">Beasts that have got a Lurid Past,</span> <span class="i0">Or else are far Too Good to Last.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">So, should you not desire to be</span> <span class="i2">The victim of a cruel hoax,</span> <span class="i0">Then promise me, ah! promise me,</span> <span class="i2">You will not purchase pigs in pokes!</span> <span class="i0">('Twould be an error just as big</span> <span class="i0">To poke your purchase in a pig.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Too well I know the bitter cost,</span> <span class="i2">To turn this subject off with jokes;</span> <span class="i0">How many a fortune has been lost</span> <span class="i2">By men who purchased pigs in pokes.</span> <span class="i0">(Ah! think on such when you would talk</span> <span class="i0">With mouths that are replete with pork!)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And, after dinner, round the fire,</span> <span class="i2">Astride of Grandpa's rugged knee,</span> <span class="i0">Implore your bored but patient sire</span> <span class="i2">To tell you what a Poke may be.</span> <span class="i0">The fact he might disclose to you—</span> <span class="i0">Which is far more than <i>I</i> can do.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">     *     *     *     *     *     *     *</span></div> </div> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The Moral of The Pigs and Pokes</span> <span class="i2">Is not to make your choice too quick.</span> <span class="i0">In purchasing a Book of Jokes,</span> <span class="i2">Pray poke around and take your pick.</span> <span class="i0">Who knows how rich a mental meal</span> <span class="i0">The covers of <i>this</i> book conceal?</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4">"<i>Learn to Take Things Easily.</i>"</h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">To these few words, it seems to me,</span> <span class="i2">A wealth of sound instruction clings;</span> <span class="i0">O Learn to Take things easily—</span> <span class="i2">Espeshly Other People's Things;</span> <span class="i0">And Time will make your fingers deft</span> <span class="i0">At what is known as Petty Theft.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Your precious moments do not waste;</span> <span class="i2">Take Ev'rything that isn't tied!</span> <span class="i0">Who knows but you may have a Taste,</span> <span class="i2">A Gift perhaps, for Homicide,—</span> <span class="i0">(A Mania which, encouraged, thrives</span> <span class="i0">On Taking Other People's Lives).</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">"Fools and Their Money soon must part!"</span> <span class="i2">And you can help this on, may be,</span> <span class="i0">If, in the kindness of your Heart,</span> <span class="i2">You Learn to Take things easily;</span> <span class="i0">And be, with little education,</span> <span class="i0">A Prince of Misappropriation.</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4">"<i>A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss.</i>"</h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">I never understood, I own,</span> <span class="i2">What anybody (with a soul)</span> <span class="i0">Could mean by offering a Stone</span> <span class="i2">This needless warning not to Roll;</span> <span class="i0">And what inducement there can be</span> <span class="i0">To gather Moss I fail to see.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">I'd sooner gather anything,</span> <span class="i2">Like primroses, or news perhaps,</span> <span class="i0">Or even wool (when suffering</span> <span class="i2">A momentary mental lapse);</span> <span class="i0">But could forego my share of moss,</span> <span class="i0">Nor ever realize the loss.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">'Tis a botanical disease,</span> <span class="i2">And worthy of remark as such;</span> <span class="i0">Lending a dignity to trees,</span> <span class="i2">To ruins a romantic touch.</span> <span class="i0">A timely adjunct, I've no doubt,</span> <span class="i0">But not worth writing home about.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Of all the Stones I ever met,</span> <span class="i2">In calm repose upon the ground,</span> <span class="i0">I really never found one yet</span> <span class="i2">With a desire to roll around;</span> <span class="i0">Theirs is a stationary rôle,—</span> <span class="i0">(A joke,—and feeble on the whole).</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">But, if I were a stone, I swear</span> <span class="i2">I'd sooner move and view the World</span> <span class="i0">Than sit and grow the greenest hair</span> <span class="i2">That ever Nature combed and curled.</span> <span class="i0">I see no single saving grace</span> <span class="i0">In being known as "Mossyface!"</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Instead, I might prove useful for</span> <span class="i2">A weapon in the hand of Crime,</span> <span class="i0">A paperweight, a milestone, or</span> <span class="i2">A missile at Election time;</span> <span class="i0">In each capacity I could</span> <span class="i0">Do quite incalculable good.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">When well directed from the Pit,</span> <span class="i2">I might promote a welcome death,</span> <span class="i0">If fortunate enough to hit</span> <span class="i2">Some budding Hamlet or Macbeth,</span> <span class="i0">Who twice each day the playhouse fills,—</span> <span class="i0">(For further Notice See Small Bills).</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">At concerts, too, if you prefer,</span> <span class="i2">I could prevent your growing deaf,</span> <span class="i0">By silencing the amateur</span> <span class="i2">Before she reached that upper F.;</span> <span class="i0">Or else, in lieu of half-a-brick,</span> <span class="i0">Restrain some local Kubelik.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Then, human stones, take my advice,</span> <span class="i2">(As you should always do, indeed);</span> <span class="i0">This proverb may be very nice,</span> <span class="i2">But don't you pay it any heed,</span> <span class="i0">And, tho' you make the critics cross,</span> <span class="i0">Roll on, and never mind the moss.</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4">"<i>After Dinner Sit a While; After Supper Walk a Mile.</i>"</h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">After luncheon sit awhile,</span> <span class="i2">'Tis an admirable plan;</span> <span class="i0">After dinner walk a mile—</span> <span class="i2">But make certain that you <i>can</i>.</span> <span class="i0">(Were you not this maxim taught;—</span> <span class="i0">"Good is Wrought by want of Port.")</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">After dinner think on this;</span> <span class="i2">Join the ladies with a smile,</span> <span class="i0">And remember that a Miss</span> <span class="i2">Is as good as any mile.</span> <span class="i0">(Thus you may be led to feel</span> <span class="i0">What Amis felt for Amile.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Never fear of being shy</span> <span class="i2">At the houses where you dine;</span> <span class="i0">You'll recover by-and-bye,</span> <span class="i2">With the second glass of wine;</span> <span class="i0">And can recognize with bliss</span> <span class="i0">That a Meal is not amiss.</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4">"<i>It is Never Too Late to Mend.</i>"</h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Since it can never be too late</span> <span class="i2">To change your life, or else renew it,</span> <span class="i0">Let the unpleasant process wait</span> <span class="i2">Until you are <i>compelled</i> to do it.</span> <span class="i0">The State provides (and gratis too)</span> <span class="i0">Establishments for such as you.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Remember this, and pluck up heart,</span> <span class="i2">That, be you publican or parson,</span> <span class="i0">Your ev'ry art must have a start,</span> <span class="i2">From petty larceny to arson;</span> <span class="i0">And even in the burglar's trade,</span> <span class="i0">The cracksman is not born, but made.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">So, if in your career of crime,</span> <span class="i2">You fail to carry out some "coup",</span> <span class="i0">Then try again a second time,</span> <span class="i2">And yet again, until you <i>do</i>;</span> <span class="i0">And don't despair, or fear the worst,</span> <span class="i0">Because you get found out at first.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Perhaps the battle will not go,</span> <span class="i2">On all occasions, to the strongest;</span> <span class="i0">You may be fairly certain tho'</span> <span class="i2">That He Laughs Last who laughs the Longest.</span> <span class="i0">So keep a good reserve of laughter,</span> <span class="i0">Which may be found of use hereafter.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Believe me that, howe'er well meant,</span> <span class="i2">A Good Resolve is always brief;</span> <span class="i0">Don't let your precious hours be spent</span> <span class="i2">In turning over a new leaf.</span> <span class="i0">Such leaves, like Nature's, soon decay,</span> <span class="i0">And then are only in the way.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The Road to—well, a certain spot,</span> <span class="i2">(A Road of very fair dimensions),</span> <span class="i0">Has, so the proverb tells us, got</span> <span class="i2">A parquet-floor of Good Intentions.</span> <span class="i0">Take care, in your desire to please,</span> <span class="i0">You do not add a brick to these.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">For there may come a moment when</span> <span class="i2">You shall be mended willy-nilly,</span> <span class="i0">With many more misguided men,</span> <span class="i2">Whose skill is undermined with skilly.</span> <span class="i0">Till then procrastinate, my friend;</span> <span class="i0">"It <i>Never</i> is Too Late to Mend!"</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4">"<i>A Bad Workman Complains of his Tools.</i>"</h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">This Pen of mine is simply grand,</span> <span class="i2">I never loved a pen so much;</span> <span class="i0">This Paper (underneath my hand)</span> <span class="i2">Is really a delight to touch;</span> <span class="i0">And never in my life, I think,</span> <span class="i0">Did I make use of finer ink.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The Subject upon which I write</span> <span class="i2">Is everything that I could choose;</span> <span class="i0">I seldom knew my Wits more bright,</span> <span class="i2">More cosmopolitan my Views;</span> <span class="i0">Nor ever did my Head contain</span> <span class="i0">So surplus a supply of Brain!</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4"><i>Potpourri.</i></h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">There are many more Maxims to which</span> <span class="i2">I would like to accord a front place,</span> <span class="i0">But alas! I have got</span> <span class="i0">To omit a whole lot,</span> <span class="i2">For the lack of available space;</span> <span class="i0">And the rest I am forced to boil down and condense</span> <span class="i0">To the following Essence of Sound without Sense:</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Now the Pitcher that journeys too oft</span> <span class="i2">To the Well will get broken at last.</span> <span class="i0">But you'll find it a fact</span> <span class="i0">That, by using some tact,</span> <span class="i2">Such a danger as this can be past.</span> <span class="i0">(There's an obvious way, and a simple, you'll own,</span> <span class="i0">Which is, if you're a Pitcher, to Let Well alone.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Half a loafer is never well-bred,</span> <span class="i2">And Self-Praise is a Dangerous Thing.</span> <span class="i0">And the Mice are at play</span> <span class="i0">When the Cat is away,</span> <span class="i2">For a moment, inspecting a King.</span> <span class="i0">(Tho' if Care kills a Cat, as the Proverbs declare,</span> <span class="i0">It is right to suppose that the King will take care.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Don't Halloo till you're out of the Wood,</span> <span class="i2">When a Stitch in Good Time will save nine,</span> <span class="i0">While a Bird in the Hand</span> <span class="i0">Is worth Two, understand,</span> <span class="i2">In the Bush that Needs no Good Wine.</span> <span class="i0">(Tho' the two, if they <i>Can</i> sing but Won't, have been known,</span> <span class="i0">By an accurate aim to be killed with one Stone.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Never Harness the Cart to the Horse;</span> <span class="i2">Since the latter should be <i>à la carte</i>.</span> <span class="i0">And Birds of a Feather</span> <span class="i0">Come Flocking Together,</span> <span class="i2">Because they can't well Flock Apart.</span> <span class="i0">(You may cast any Bread on the Waters, I think,</span> <span class="i0">But, unless I'm mistaken, you can't make it Sink.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">It is only the Fool who remarks</span> <span class="i2">That there Can't be a Fire without Smoke;</span> <span class="i0">Has he never yet learned</span> <span class="i0">How the gas can be turned</span> <span class="i2">On the best incombustible coke?</span> <span class="i0">(Would you value a man by the checks on his suits,</span> <span class="i0">And forget "<i>que c'est le premier passbook qui Coutts</i>?")</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">Now "<i>De Mortuis Nil Nisi Bo-</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>num</i>," is Latin, as ev'ryone owns;</span> <span class="i0">If your domicile be</span> <span class="i0">Near a Mortuaree,</span> <span class="i2">You should always avoid throwing bones.</span> <span class="i0">(I would further remark, if I could,—but I couldn't—</span> <span class="i0">That People Residing in Glasshouses shouldn't.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">You have heard of the Punctual Bird,</span> <span class="i2">Who was First in presenting his Bill;</span> <span class="i0">But I pray you'll be firm,</span> <span class="i0">And remember the Worm</span> <span class="i2">Had to get up much earlier still;</span> <span class="i0">(So that, if you <i>can't</i> rise in the morning, then Don't;</span> <span class="i0">And be certain that Where there's a Will there's a Won't.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">You can give a bad name to a Dog,</span> <span class="i2">And hang him by way of excuse;</span> <span class="i0">Whereas Hunger, of course,</span> <span class="i0">Is by far the Best Sauce</span> <span class="i2">For the Gander as well as the Goose.</span> <span class="i0">(But you shouldn't judge anyone just by his looks,</span> <span class="i0">For a Surfeit of Broth ruins too many Cooks.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">With the fact that Necessity knows</span> <span class="i2">Nine Points of the Law, you'll agree.</span> <span class="i0">There are just as Good Fish</span> <span class="i0">To be found on a Dish</span> <span class="i2">As you ever could catch in the Sea.</span> <span class="i0">(You should Look ere you Leap on a Weasel Asleep,</span> <span class="i0">And I've also remarked That Still Daughters Run Cheap.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">The much trodden-on Lane <i>will</i> Turn,</span> <span class="i2">And a Friend is in Need of a Friend;</span> <span class="i0">But the Wisest of Saws,</span> <span class="i0">Like the Camel's Last Straws,</span> <span class="i2">Or the Longest of Worms, have an end.</span> <span class="i0">So, before out of Patience a Virtue you make,</span> <span class="i0">A decisive farewell of these maxims we'll take.</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4"><i>Envoi.</i></h3> <p class="center"><i>"Don't Look a Gifthorse in the Mouth"</i></p> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">I knew a man, who lived down South;</span> <span class="i2">He thought this maxim to defy;</span> <span class="i0">He looked a Gifthorse in the Mouth;</span> <span class="i2">The Gifthorse bit him in the Eye!</span> <span class="i0">And, while the steed enjoyed his bite,</span> <span class="i0">My Southern friend mislaid his sight.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Now, had this foolish man, that day,</span> <span class="i2">Observed the Gifthorse in the <i>Heel</i>,</span> <span class="i0">It might have kicked his brains away,</span> <span class="i2">But that's a loss he would not feel;</span> <span class="i0">Because you see (need I explain?)</span> <span class="i0">My Southern friend had got no brain.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">When anyone to you presents</span> <span class="i2">A poodle, or a pocketknife,</span> <span class="i0">A set of Ping-pong instruments,</span> <span class="i2">A banjo or a Lady-wife,</span> <span class="i0">'Tis churlish, as I understand,</span> <span class="i0">To grumble that they're second-hand.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And he who termed Ingratitude</span> <span class="i2">As "worser nor a servant's tooth"</span> <span class="i0">Was evidently well imbued</span> <span class="i2">With all the elements of Truth;</span> <span class="i0">(While he who said "Uneasy lies</span> <span class="i0">The tooth that wears a crown" was wise).</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">"One must be poor," George Eliot said,</span> <span class="i2">"To know the luxury of giving;"</span> <span class="i0">So too one really should be dead</span> <span class="i2">To realize the joy of living.</span> <span class="i0">(I'd sooner be—I don't know which—</span> <span class="i0">I'd <i>like</i> to be alive and rich!)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0"><i>This</i> book may be a Gifthorse too,</span> <span class="i2">And one you surely ought to prize;</span> <span class="i0">If so, I beg you, read it through</span> <span class="i2">With kindly and uncaptious eyes,</span> <span class="i0">Not grumbling because this particular line doesn't happen to scan,</span> <span class="i0">And this one doesn't rhyme!</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4"><i>Aftword.</i></h3> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i1">'Tis done! We reach the final page,</span> <span class="i2">With feelings of relief, I'm certain;</span> <span class="i0">And there arrives at such a stage,</span> <span class="i2">The moment to ring down the curtain.</span> <span class="i0">(This metaphor is freely taken</span> <span class="i0">From Shakespeare—or perhaps from Bacon.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">The Book perused, our Future brings</span> <span class="i2">A plethora of blank to-morrows,</span> <span class="i0">When memories of Happier Things</span> <span class="i2">Will be our Sorrow's Crown of Sorrows.</span> <span class="i0">(I trust you recognize this line</span> <span class="i0">As being Tennyson's, not mine.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">My verses may indeed be few,</span> <span class="i2">But are they not, to quote the poet,</span> <span class="i0">"The sweetest things that ever grew</span> <span class="i2">Beside a human door"? I know it.</span> <span class="i0">(What an <i>in</i>human door would be,</span> <span class="i0">Enquire of Wordsworth, please, not me.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">'Twas one of my most cherished dreams</span> <span class="i2">To write a Moral Book some day;</span> <span class="i0">What says the Bard? "The best laid schemes</span> <span class="i2">Of Mice and Men gang aft agley!"</span> <span class="i0">(The Bard here mentioned, by the bye,</span> <span class="i0">Is Robbie Burns, of course—not I.)</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">And tho' my pen records each thought</span> <span class="i2">As swift as the phonetic Pitman,</span> <span class="i0">Morality is not my "forte,"</span> <span class="i2">O Camarados! (<i>vide</i> Whitman)</span> <span class="i0">And, like the Porcupine, I still</span> <span class="i0">Am forced to ply a fretful quill.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">We may be Master of our Fate,</span> <span class="i2">(As Henley was inspired to mention)</span> <span class="i0">Yet am I but the Second Mate</span> <span class="i2">Upon the ss. "Good Intention";</span> <span class="i0">For me the course direct is lacking—</span> <span class="i0">I have to do a deal of tacking.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">To seek for Morals here's a task</span> <span class="i2">Of which you well may be despairing;</span> <span class="i0">"What has become of them?" you ask,</span> <span class="i2">They've given us the slip—like Waring.</span> <span class="i0">"Look East!" said Browning once, and I</span> <span class="i0">Would make a similar reply.</span></div> <div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Look East, where in a garret drear,</span> <span class="i2">The Author works, without cessation,</span> <span class="i0">Composing verses for a mere-</span> <span class="i2">ly nominal remuneration;</span> <span class="i0">And, while he has the strength to write 'em,</span> <span class="i0">Will do so still—<i>ad infinitum</i>.</span></div> </div> <h3 class="p4">FINIS.</h3> <p class="p4"></p> <div class='tnote'> <h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3> <p>The words 'bo-num' and 'mere-ly' were retained hyphenated at the ends of lines to match the printed edition and maintain the poetical intent of the author.</p> <p>Changed 'Heidsick' to 'Heidsieck.'</p> </div> <SPAN name="endofbook"></SPAN> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />

1 of 2

2 of 2

Update Required To play the media you will need to either update your browser to a recent version or update your Flash plugin.