Misrepresentative Women

<SPAN name="startofbook"></SPAN> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/cover.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="497" alt="" /> <p class="caption">MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN<br/> By HARRY GRAHAM</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <p id="half-title"><em>Misrepresentative Women</em></p> <hr class="chap" /> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG class="border" id="i004" src="images/i004.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="453" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;<em>For long with horror she has viewed</em><br/> <em>The naked Truth for being nude</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h1>MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN</h1> <p class="book-bylines"> By <span class="smcap">Harry Graham</span><br/> <small><small> <i>Author of &ldquo;Misrepresentative Men&rdquo;<br/> and &ldquo;More Misrepresentative Men&rdquo;</i> </small></small></p> <p class="book-description">ILLUSTRATED BY<br/> <span class="smcap">Dan Sayre Groesbeck</span></p> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i005.jpg" width-obs="80" height-obs="109" alt="" /></div> <p class="book-publisher"> NEW YORK<br/> <span class="smcap">Duffield &amp; Company</span><br/> MCMVI</p> <p class="book-verso"> <span class="smcap">Copyrght, 1906, by</span><br/> DUFFIELD &amp; COMPANY<br/> <em>Published, September, 1906</em></p> <p class="book-verso"> THE TROW PRESS, NEW YORK</p> <hr class="chap" /> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i007.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="564" alt="" /> <p class="caption">NOTICE<br/>NO ADMITTANCE<br/>EXCEPT ON<br/>PLEASURE</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2><em>Contents</em></h2> <div class="center"> <table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> <tr> <td class="tdlsc">&nbsp;</td> <td class="tdrfirst">PAGE</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Publishers_Preface">Publishers&rsquo; Preface</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">7</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Eve">Eve</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">13</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Lady_Godiva">Lady Godiva</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">19</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Miss_Marie_Corelli">Miss Marie Corelli</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">27</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Mrs_Mary_Baker_Eddy">Mrs. Mary Baker Eddy</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">35</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Mrs_Grundy">Mrs. Grundy</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">41</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Mrs_Christopher_Columbus">Mrs. Christopher Columbus</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">49</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Dame_Rumor">Dame Rumor</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">57</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#The_Cry_of_the_Children">The Cry of the Children</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">63</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#The_Cry_of_the_Elders">The Cry of the Elders</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">71</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#An_Epithalamium">An Epithalamium</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">79</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#The_Self-Made_Father_to_His_Ready-Made_Son">The Self-Made Father to His Ready-Made Son</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">85</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#The_Author_to_His_Hostess">The Author to His Hostess</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">91</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#On_the_Decline_of_Gentility_Among_the_Young">On the Decline of Gentility Among the Young</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">97</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Lochinvar">&ldquo;Lochinvar&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">103</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Abbreviations_Artful_Aid">Abbreviation&rsquo;s Artful Aid</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">111</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdlsc"><SPAN href="#Authors_Aftword">Author&rsquo;s Aftword</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr">117</td></tr> </table></div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2><em>List of Illustrations</em></h2> <div class="center"> <table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Illustrations"> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i004">&ldquo;<em>Far long with horror she has viewedThe naked Truth for being nude</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdrfirst">FRONTISPIECE</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl">&nbsp;</td> <td class="tdrfirst">FACING PAGE</td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i015">&ldquo;<em>Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>10</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i021">&ldquo;<em>Her wardrobe, though extremely small, sufficed a somewhat simple need</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>14</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i029">&ldquo;<em>At the Heart of her spouse she continued to storm</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>20</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i039">&ldquo;<em>Were she to mingle with her ink a little milk of human kindness</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>28</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i063">&ldquo;<em>And so be daily left her side to travel o&rsquo;er the ocean far</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>50</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i073">&ldquo;<em>Where the spinsters at tea are collected, her arrival is bailed with delight</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>58</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i081">&ldquo;<em>He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>64</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i099">&ldquo;<em>How glad the happy pair must be that Hymen&rsquo;s bonds have set them free</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>80</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i113">&ldquo;<em>I wonder why they look such frights</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>92</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i121">&ldquo;<em>Small wonder she receives a shock each time she views thy billycock</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>98</em></td></tr> <tr> <td class="tdl"><SPAN href="#i129">&ldquo;<em>&lsquo;She is mine!&rsquo; he announces, adjourning to the distant horizon afar</em>&rdquo;</SPAN></td> <td class="tdr"><em>104</em></td></tr> </table></div> <hr class="chap" /> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_7">[Pg 7]</SPAN></span></p> <h2 id="Publishers_Preface"><em>Publishers&rsquo; Preface</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited</div> <div class="verse02">For such viands as your poet can provide,</div> <div class="verse00">(Which, as critics have occasionally stated,</div> <div class="verse02">Must be trying to a delicate inside,)</div> <div class="verse00">Once again are opportunities afforded</div> <div class="verse02">Of a banquet, or a <em>d&eacute;jeuner</em> at least,</div> <div class="verse00">Once again your toleration is rewarded</div> <div class="verse08">By a literary feast!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_8">[Pg 8]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">You may think that Rudyard Kipling&rsquo;s work is stronger,</div> <div class="verse02">Or that Chaucer&rsquo;s may be rather more mature;</div> <div class="verse00">Byron&rsquo;s lyrics are indubitably longer,</div> <div class="verse02">Robert Browning&rsquo;s just a trifle more obscure;</div> <div class="verse00">But &rsquo;tis certain that no poems are politer,</div> <div class="verse02">Or more fitted for perusal in the home,</div> <div class="verse00">Than the verses of the unassuming writer</div> <div class="verse08">Of this memorable tome!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_9">[Pg 9]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Austin Dobson is a daintier performer,</div> <div class="verse02">Andrew Lang is far more scholarly and wise,</div> <div class="verse00">Mr. Swinburne can, of course, be somewhat warmer,</div> <div class="verse02">Alfred Austin more amusing, if he tries;</div> <div class="verse00">But there&rsquo;s no one in the world (and well you know it!)</div> <div class="verse02">Who can emulate the bard of whom we speak,</div> <div class="verse00">For the literary methods of <em>our</em> poet</div> <div class="verse08">Are admittedly unique!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_10">[Pg 10]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Tho&rsquo; he shows no sort of penitence at breaking</div> <div class="verse02">Ev&rsquo;ry rule of English grammar and of style,</div> <div class="verse00">(Not a rhyme is too atrocious for his making,</div> <div class="verse02">Not a metre for his purpose is too vile!)</div> <div class="verse00">Tho&rsquo; his treatment is essentially destructive,</div> <div class="verse02">And his taste a thing that no one can admire,</div> <div class="verse00">There is something incontestably seductive</div> <div class="verse08">In the music of his lyre!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Gentle Reader, some apologies are needed</div> <div class="verse02">For depositing this volume on your desk,</div> <div class="verse00">Since the author has undoubtedly exceeded</div> <div class="verse02">All the limits of legitimate burlesque,</div> <div class="verse00">And we look with very genuine affection</div> <div class="verse02">To a Public who, for better or for worse,</div> <div class="verse00">Will relieve us of this villainous collection</div> <div class="verse08">Of abominable verse!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_11">[Pg 11]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_12">[Pg 12]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_13">[Pg 13]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG id="i015" class="border" src="images/i015.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="489" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;<em>Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="Eve"><em>Eve</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">I always love to picture Eve,</div> <div class="verse02">Whatever captious critics say,</div> <div class="verse00">As one who was, as I believe,</div> <div class="verse02">The nicest woman of her day;</div> <div class="verse00">Attractive to the outward view,</div> <div class="verse00">And such a perfect <em>lady</em> too!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_14">[Pg 14]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Unselfish,&mdash;that one can&rsquo;t dispute,</div> <div class="verse02">Recalling her intense delight,</div> <div class="verse00">When she acquired some novel fruit,</div> <div class="verse02">In giving all her friends a bite;</div> <div class="verse00">Her very troubles she would share</div> <div class="verse00">With those who happened to be there.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Her wardrobe, though extremely small,</div> <div class="verse02">Sufficed a somewhat simple need;</div> <div class="verse00">She was, if anything at all,</div> <div class="verse02">A trifle <em>under</em>dressed, indeed,</div> <div class="verse00">And never visited a play</div> <div class="verse00">In headgear known as &ldquo;matin&eacute;e.&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Possessing but a single <em>beau</em>,</div> <div class="verse02">With only one <i xml:lang="fr">affaire de c&oelig;ur</i>,</div> <div class="verse00">She promptly married, as we know,</div> <div class="verse02">The man who first proposed to her;</div> <div class="verse00">Not for his title or his pelf,</div> <div class="verse00">But simply for his own sweet self.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">He loved her madly, at first sight;</div> <div class="verse02">His callow heart was quite upset;</div> <div class="verse00">He thought her nearly, if not quite,</div> <div class="verse02">The sweetest soul he&rsquo;d ever met;</div> <div class="verse00">She found him charming&mdash;for a man,</div> <div class="verse00">And so their young romance began.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_15">[Pg 15]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_16">[Pg 16]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Their wedding was a trifle tame&mdash;</div> <div class="verse02">A purely family affair&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">No guests were asked, no pressmen came</div> <div class="verse02">To interview the happy pair;</div> <div class="verse00">No crowds of curious strangers bored them,</div> <div class="verse00">The &ldquo;Eden Journal&rdquo; quite ignored them.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">They had the failings of their class,</div> <div class="verse02">The faults and foibles of the youthful;</div> <div class="verse00">She was inquisitive, alas!</div> <div class="verse02">And he was&mdash;not exactly truthful;</div> <div class="verse00">But never was there man or woman</div> <div class="verse00">So truly, so intensely <em>human</em>!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_17">[Pg 17]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And, hand in hand, from day to day,</div> <div class="verse02">They lived and labored, man and wife;</div> <div class="verse00">Together hewed their common way</div> <div class="verse02">Along the rugged path of Life;</div> <div class="verse00">Remaining, though the seasons pass&rsquo;d,</div> <div class="verse00">Friends, lovers, to the very last.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">So, side by side, they shared, these two,</div> <div class="verse02">The sorrow and the joys of living;</div> <div class="verse00">The Man, devoted, tender, true,</div> <div class="verse02">The Woman, patient and forgiving;</div> <div class="verse00">Their common toil, their common weather,</div> <div class="verse00">But drew them closelier still together.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_18">[Pg 18]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And if they ever chanced to grieve,</div> <div class="verse02">Enduring loss, or suff&rsquo;ring pain,</div> <div class="verse00">You may be certain it was Eve</div> <div class="verse02">Brought comfort to their hearts again;</div> <div class="verse00">If they were happy, well I know,</div> <div class="verse00">It was the Woman made them so.</div> <div class="verse00 spread">&nbsp;&middot;&middot;&middot;&middot;&middot;&middot;</div> <div class="verse00">And though the anthropologist</div> <div class="verse02">May mention, in his tactless way,</div> <div class="verse00">That Adam&rsquo;s weaknesses exist</div> <div class="verse02">Among our modern Men to-day,</div> <div class="verse00">In Women we may still perceive</div> <div class="verse00">The virtues of their Mother Eve!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_19">[Pg 19]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG id="i021" class="border" src="images/i021.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="511" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;<em>Her wardrobe, though extremely small, sufficed a somewhat simple need</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="Lady_Godiva"><em>Lady Godiva</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">In the old town of Coventry, so people say,</div> <div class="verse02">Dwelt a Peer who was utterly lacking in pity;</div> <div class="verse00">Universally loathed for the rigorous way</div> <div class="verse02">That he burdened the rates of the City.</div> <div class="verse00">By his merciless methods of petty taxation,</div> <div class="verse00">The poor were reduced to the verge of starvation.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_20">[Pg 20]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But the Earl had a wife, whom the people adored,</div> <div class="verse02">For her kindness of heart even more than her beauty,</div> <div class="verse00">And her pitiless lord she besought and implored</div> <div class="verse02">To remit this extortionate &ldquo;duty&rdquo;;</div> <div class="verse00">But he answered: &ldquo;My dear, pray reflect at your leisure,</div> <div class="verse00">What <em>you</em> deem a &lsquo;duty,&rsquo; to <em>me</em> is a pleasure!&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">At the heart of her spouse she continued to storm,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_21">[Pg 21]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">And she closed her entreaties, one day, by exclaiming:&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;If you take off the tax, I will gladly perform</div> <div class="verse02">Any task that you like to be naming!&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Well, if that be the case,&rdquo; said the nobleman, &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve a</div> <div class="verse00">Good mind just to test you, my Lady Godiva!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;To your wishes, my dear, I will straight acquiesce,</div> <div class="verse02">On the single condition&mdash;I give you fair warning&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">That you ride through the City, at noon, in the dress</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_22">[Pg 22]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">That you wear in your bath of a morning!&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Very well!&rdquo; she replied. &ldquo;Be it so! Though you drive a</div> <div class="verse00">Hard bargain, my lord,&rdquo; said the Lady Godiva.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">So she slipped off her gown, and her shoulders lay bare,</div> <div class="verse02">Gleaming white like the moon on Aonian fountains;</div> <div class="verse00">When about them she loosened her curtain of hair,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_23">[Pg 23]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">&rsquo;Twas like Night coming over the mountains!</div> <div class="verse00">And she blushed, &rsquo;neath the veil of her wonderful tresses,</div> <div class="verse00">As blushes the Morn &rsquo;neath the Sun&rsquo;s first caresses!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Then she went to the stable and saddled her steed,</div> <div class="verse02">Who erected his ears, till he looked like a rabbit,</div> <div class="verse00">He was somewhat surprised, as he might be, indeed,</div> <div class="verse02">At the lady&rsquo;s unusual &ldquo;habit&rdquo;;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_24">[Pg 24]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">But allowed her to mount in the masculine way,</div> <div class="verse00">For he couldn&rsquo;t say &ldquo;No,&rdquo; and he wouldn&rsquo;t say &ldquo;Neigh!&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">So she rode through the town, in the heat of the sun,</div> <div class="verse02">For the weather was (luckily) warm as the Tropics,</div> <div class="verse00">And the people all drew down their blinds&mdash;except one,</div> <div class="verse02">On the staff of the local &ldquo;Town Topics.&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">(Such misconduct produced in the eyes of this vile one</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_25">[Pg 25]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">A cataract nearly as large as the Nile one!)</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Then Godiva returned, and the Earl had to yield,</div> <div class="verse02">(And the paralyzed pressman dictated his cable;)</div> <div class="verse00">The tax was remitted, the bells were repealed,</div> <div class="verse03">And the horse was returned to the stable;</div> <div class="verse00">While banners were waved from each possible quarter,</div> <div class="verse00">Except from the flat of the stricken reporter.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_26">[Pg 26]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Now the Moral is this&mdash;if I&rsquo;ve fathomed the tale</div> <div class="verse02">(Though it needs a more delicate pen to explain it):&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">You can get whatsoever you want, without fail,</div> <div class="verse02">If you&rsquo;ll sacrifice <em>all</em> to obtain it.</div> <div class="verse00">You should <em>try</em> to avoid unconventional capers,</div> <div class="verse00">And be sure you don&rsquo;t write for Society papers.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_27">[Pg 27]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG id="i029" class="border" src="images/i029.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="484" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;<em>At the heart of her spouse she continued to storm</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="Miss_Marie_Corelli"><em>Miss Marie Corelli</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">A very Woman among Men!</div> <div class="verse02">Her p&aelig;ans, sung in ev&rsquo;ry quarter,</div> <div class="verse00">Almost persuade Le Gallienne</div> <div class="verse02">To go and get his hair cut shorter;</div> <div class="verse00">When Kipling hears her trumpet-note</div> <div class="verse00">He longs to don a petticoat.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Her praise is sung by old or young,</div> <div class="verse02">From Happy Hampstead to Hoboken,</div> <div class="verse00">Where&rsquo;er old England&rsquo;s mother-tongue</div> <div class="verse02">Is (ungrammatically) spoken:</div> <div class="verse00">In that supremely simple set</div> <div class="verse00">Which loves the penny novelette.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">When Anglo-Saxon peoples kneel</div> <div class="verse02">Before their literary idol,</div> <div class="verse00">It makes all rival authors feel</div> <div class="verse02">Depressed and almost suicidal;</div> <div class="verse00">They cannot reach within a mile</div> <div class="verse00">Of her sublime suburban style.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_28">[Pg 28]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_29">[Pg 29]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Her modest, unobtrusive ways,</div> <div class="verse02">In sunny Stratford&rsquo;s guide-books graven,</div> <div class="verse00">Her brilliance, lighting with its rays</div> <div class="verse02">The birthplace of the Swan of Avon,</div> <div class="verse00">Must cause the Bard as deep a pain</div> <div class="verse00">As his resemblance to Hall Caine.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Mere ordinary mortals ask,</div> <div class="verse02">With no desire for picking quarrels,</div> <div class="verse00">Who gave her the congenial task</div> <div class="verse02">Of judging other people&rsquo;s morals?</div> <div class="verse00">Who bade her flay her fellow-men</div> <div class="verse00">With such a frankly feline pen?</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_30">[Pg 30]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And one may seek, and seek in vain.</div> <div class="verse02">The social set she loves to mention,</div> <div class="verse00">Those offspring of her fertile brain,</div> <div class="verse02">Those creatures of her fond invention.</div> <div class="verse00">(She is, or so it would appear,</div> <div class="verse00">Unlucky in her friends, poor dear!)</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">For tho&rsquo;, like her, they feel the sway</div> <div class="verse02">Of claptrap sentimental glamour,</div> <div class="verse00">And frequently, like her, give way</div> <div class="verse02">To lapses from our English grammar,</div> <div class="verse00">The victims of her diatribes</div> <div class="verse00">Are not the least as she describes.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_31">[Pg 31]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">To restaurants they seldom go,</div> <div class="verse02">Just for the sake of over-eating;</div> <div class="verse00">While ladies don&rsquo;t play bridge, you know,</div> <div class="verse02">Entirely for the sake of cheating;</div> <div class="verse00">And husbands can be quite nice men,</div> <div class="verse00">And wives <em>are</em> faithful, now and then.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Were she to mingle with her ink</div> <div class="verse02">A little milk of human kindness,</div> <div class="verse00">She would not join, I dare to think,</div> <div class="verse02">To chronic social color-blindness</div> <div class="verse00">An outlook bigoted and narrow</div> <div class="verse00">As that of some provincial sparrow.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_32">[Pg 32]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But still, perhaps, it might affect</div> <div class="verse02">Her literary circulation,</div> <div class="verse00">If she were tempted to neglect</div> <div class="verse02">Her talent for vituperation;</div> <div class="verse00">Since work of this peculiar kind</div> <div class="verse00">Delights the groundling&rsquo;s curious mind.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">For while, of course, from day to day,</div> <div class="verse02">Her popularity increases,</div> <div class="verse00">As, in an artless sort of way,</div> <div class="verse02">She tears Society to pieces,</div> <div class="verse00">Her sense of humor, so they tell us,</div> <div class="verse00">Makes even Alfred Austin jealous!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_33">[Pg 33]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Yet even bumpkins, by and by,</div> <div class="verse02">(Such is the spread of education)</div> <div class="verse00">May view with cold, phlegmatic eye</div> <div class="verse02">The fruits of her imagination,</div> <div class="verse00">And learn to temper their devotion</div> <div class="verse00">With slight, if adequate, emotion.</div> <div class="verse00 spread">&nbsp;&middot;&middot;&middot;&middot;&middot;</div> <div class="verse00">Dear Miss Corelli:&mdash;Should your eyes</div> <div class="verse02">Peruse this page (&rsquo;tis my ambition!),</div> <div class="verse00">Be sure that I apologize</div> <div class="verse02">In any suitable position</div> <div class="verse00">For having weakly imitated</div> <div class="verse00">The style that you yourself created.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_34">[Pg 34]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">I cannot fancy to attain</div> <div class="verse02">To heights of personal invective</div> <div class="verse00">Which you, with subtler pen and brain,</div> <div class="verse02">Have learnt to render so effective;</div> <div class="verse00">I follow dimly in your trail;</div> <div class="verse00">Forgive me, therefore, if I fail!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_35">[Pg 35]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG class="border" id="i039" src="images/i039.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="480" alt="" /> <p class="caption"> &ldquo;<em>Were she to mingle with her ink</em><br/> <em>A little milk of human kindness</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="Mrs_Mary_Baker_Eddy"><em>Mrs. Mary Baker Eddy</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Have you a pain all down your back?</div> <div class="verse02">A feeling of intense prostration?</div> <div class="verse00">Are you an&aelig;mic, for the lack</div> <div class="verse08">Of proper circulation?</div> <div class="verse00">With bloodshot eye and hand unsteady?</div> <div class="verse00">Pray send at once for Mrs. Eddy.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_36">[Pg 36]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The Saint and Prophetess is she</div> <div class="verse02">Of what is known as Christian Science;</div> <div class="verse00">And you can lean on Mrs. E.</div> <div class="verse08">With absolute reliance;</div> <div class="verse00">For she will shortly make it plain</div> <div class="verse00">That there is no such thing as pain.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The varied ailments on your list</div> <div class="verse02">Which cause you such extreme vexation</div> <div class="verse00">Are nothing more, she will insist,</div> <div class="verse08">Than mere imagination.</div> <div class="verse00">&rsquo;Tis so with illness or disease;</div> <div class="verse00">Nothing exists ... except her fees!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_37">[Pg 37]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">A friend of mine had not been taught</div> <div class="verse02">This doctrine, I regret to say.</div> <div class="verse00">He fell downstairs, or so he thought,</div> <div class="verse08">And broke his neck, one day.</div> <div class="verse00">Had Mrs. Eddy come along,</div> <div class="verse00">She could have shown him he was wrong.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">She could have told him (or his wraith)</div> <div class="verse02">That stairs and necks have no existence,</div> <div class="verse00">That persons with sufficient faith</div> <div class="verse08">Can fall from any distance,</div> <div class="verse00">And that he wasn&rsquo;t in the least</div> <div class="verse00">What local papers called &ldquo;deceased.&rdquo;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_38">[Pg 38]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Of ills to which the flesh is heir</div> <div class="verse02">She is decidedly disdainful;</div> <div class="verse00">But once, or so her friends declare,</div> <div class="verse08">Her teeth became so painful</div> <div class="verse00">That, tho&rsquo; she knew they couldn&rsquo;t be,</div> <div class="verse00">She had them taken out, to see.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Afflictions of the lame or halt,</div> <div class="verse02">Which other people view with terror,</div> <div class="verse00">To her denote some moral fault,</div> <div class="verse08">Some form of mental error.</div> <div class="verse00">While doctors probe or amputate,</div> <div class="verse00">She simply heals you while you wait.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_39">[Pg 39]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">My brother, whom you may have seen,</div> <div class="verse02">Possessed a limp, a very slight one;</div> <div class="verse00">His leg, the left, had always been</div> <div class="verse08">Much shorter than the right one;</div> <div class="verse00">But Mrs. Eddy came his way,</div> <div class="verse00">And ... well, just look at him to-day!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">At healing she had grown so deft</div> <div class="verse02">That when she finished with my brother,</div> <div class="verse00">His crippled leg, I mean the left,</div> <div class="verse08">Was <em>longer</em> than the other!</div> <div class="verse00">And now he&rsquo;s praying, day and night,</div> <div class="verse00">For faith to lengthen out the right.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_40">[Pg 40]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">So let it be our chief concern</div> <div class="verse02">To set diseases at defiance,</div> <div class="verse00">Contriving, as the truths we learn</div> <div class="verse08">Of so-called Christian Science,</div> <div class="verse00">To live from illnesses exempt,&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">Or else to die in the attempt!</div> </div></div> <hr class="chap" /> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_41">[Pg 41]</SPAN></span></p> <h2 id="Mrs_Grundy"><em>Mrs. Grundy</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">When lovely Woman stoops to smoke</div> <div class="verse02">(A vice in which she often glories),</div> <div class="verse00">Or sees the somewhat doubtful joke</div> <div class="verse08">In after-dinner stories,</div> <div class="verse00">Who is it to her bedroom rushes</div> <div class="verse00">To hide the fervor of her blushes?</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_42">[Pg 42]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">When Susan&rsquo;s skirt&rsquo;s a trifle short,</div> <div class="verse02">Or Mary&rsquo;s manner rather skittish,</div> <div class="verse00">Who is it, with a fretful snort</div> <div class="verse08">(So typically British),</div> <div class="verse00">Emits prolonged and startled cries,</div> <div class="verse00">Suggestive of a pained surprise?</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Who is it, tell me, in effect,</div> <div class="verse02">Who loves to centre her attentions</div> <div class="verse00">On all who wilfully neglect</div> <div class="verse08">Society&rsquo;s conventions,</div> <div class="verse00">And seems eternally imbued</div> <div class="verse00">With saponaceous rectitude?</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_43">[Pg 43]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">&rsquo;Tis Mrs. Grundy, deaf and blind</div> <div class="verse02">To anything the least romantic,</div> <div class="verse00">Combining with a narrow mind</div> <div class="verse08">A point of view pedantic,</div> <div class="verse00">Since no one in the world can stop her</div> <div class="verse00">From thinking ev&rsquo;rything improper.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The picture or the marble bust</div> <div class="verse02">At any public exhibition</div> <div class="verse00">Evokes her unconcealed disgust</div> <div class="verse08">And rouses her suspicion,</div> <div class="verse00">If human forms are shown to us</div> <div class="verse00"><i xml:lang="la">In puris naturalibus</i>.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_44">[Pg 44]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The bare, in any sense or shape.</div> <div class="verse02">She looks upon as wrong or faulty;</div> <div class="verse00">Piano-legs she likes to drape,</div> <div class="verse08">If they are too d&eacute;coll&rsquo;t&eacute;;</div> <div class="verse00">For long with horror she has viewed</div> <div class="verse00">The naked Truth, for being nude.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">On modern manners that efface</div> <div class="verse02">The formal modes of introduction</div> <div class="verse00">She is at once prepared to place</div> <div class="verse08">The very worst construction,&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">And frowns, suspicious and sardonic,</div> <div class="verse00">On friendships that are termed Platonic.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_45">[Pg 45]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The English restaurants must close</div> <div class="verse02">At twelve o&rsquo;clock at night on Sunday,</div> <div class="verse00">To suit (or so we may suppose)</div> <div class="verse08">The taste of Mrs. Grundy;</div> <div class="verse00">On week-days, thirty minutes later,</div> <div class="verse00">Ejected guests revile the waiter.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">A sense of humor she would vote</div> <div class="verse02">The sign of mental dissipations;</div> <div class="verse00">She scorns whatever might promote</div> <div class="verse08">The gaiety of nations;</div> <div class="verse00">Of lawful fun she seems no fonder</div> <div class="verse00">Than of the noxious <em>dooblontonder</em>!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_46">[Pg 46]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And if you wish to make her blench</div> <div class="verse02">And snap her teeth together tightly,</div> <div class="verse00">Say something in Parisian French,</div> <div class="verse08">And close one optic slightly.</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Rien ne va plus! Enfin, alors!&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">She leaves the room and slams the door!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O Mrs. Grundy, do, I beg,</div> <div class="verse02">To false conclusions cease from rushing,</div> <div class="verse00">And learn to name the human leg</div> <div class="verse08">Without profusely blushing!</div> <div class="verse00">No longer be (don&rsquo;t think me rude)</div> <div class="verse00">That unalluring thing, the prude!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_47">[Pg 47]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">No more patrol the world, I pray,</div> <div class="verse02">In search of trifling social errors,</div> <div class="verse00">Let &ldquo;What will Mrs. Grundy say?&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse08">No longer have its terrors;</div> <div class="verse00">Leave diatribe and objurgation</div> <div class="verse00">To Mrs. Chant and Carrie Nation!</div> </div></div> <hr class="chap" /> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_49">[Pg 49]</SPAN></span></p> <h2 id="Mrs_Christopher_Columbus"><em>Mrs. Christopher Columbus</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The bride grows pale beneath her veil,</div> <div class="verse02">The matron, for the nonce, is dumb,</div> <div class="verse00">Who listens to the tragic tale</div> <div class="verse02">Of Mrs. Christopher Columb:</div> <div class="verse00">Who lived and died (so says report)</div> <div class="verse00">A widow of the herbal sort.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_50">[Pg 50]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Her husband upon canvas wings</div> <div class="verse02">Would brave the Ocean, tempest-tost;</div> <div class="verse00">He had a cult for finding things</div> <div class="verse02">Which nobody had ever lost,</div> <div class="verse00">And Mrs. C. grew almost frantic</div> <div class="verse00">When he discovered the Atlantic.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But nothing she could do or say</div> <div class="verse02">Would keep her Christopher at home;</div> <div class="verse00">Without delay he sailed away</div> <div class="verse02">Across what poets call &ldquo;the foam,&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">While neighbors murmured, &ldquo;What a shame!&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">And wished their husbands did the same.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">He ventured on the highest C&rsquo;s</div> <div class="verse02">That reared their heads above the bar,</div> <div class="verse00">Knowing the compass and the quays</div> <div class="verse02">Like any operatic star;</div> <div class="verse00">And funny friends who watched him do so</div> <div class="verse00">Would call him &ldquo;Robinson Caruso.&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But Mrs. C. remained indoors,</div> <div class="verse02">And poked the fire and wound the clocks,</div> <div class="verse00">Amused the children, scrubbed the floors,</div> <div class="verse02">Or darned her absent husband&rsquo;s socks.</div> <div class="verse00">(For she was far too sweet and wise</div> <div class="verse00">To darn the great explorer&rsquo;s eyes.)</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_51">[Pg 51]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_52">[Pg 52]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And when she chanced to look around</div> <div class="verse02">At all the couples she had known,</div> <div class="verse00">And realized how few had found</div> <div class="verse02">A home as peaceful as her own,</div> <div class="verse00">She saw how pleasant it may be</div> <div class="verse00">To wed a chronic absentee.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Her husband&rsquo;s absence she enjoyed,</div> <div class="verse02">Nor ever asked him where he went,</div> <div class="verse00">Thinking him harmlessly employed</div> <div class="verse02">Discovering some Continent.</div> <div class="verse00">Had he been always in, no doubt,</div> <div class="verse00">Some day she would have found him out.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_53">[Pg 53]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And so he daily left her side</div> <div class="verse02">To travel o&rsquo;er the ocean far,</div> <div class="verse00">And she who, like the bard, had tried</div> <div class="verse02">To &ldquo;hitch her wagon to a star,&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">Though she was harnessed to a comet,</div> <div class="verse00">Got lots of satisfaction from it.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">To him returning from the West</div> <div class="verse02">She proved a perfect anti-dote,</div> <div class="verse00">Who loosed his Armour (beef compress&rsquo;d)</div> <div class="verse02">And sprayed his &ldquo;automobile throat&rdquo;;</div> <div class="verse00">His health she kept a jealous eye on,</div> <div class="verse00">And played PerUna to his lion!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_54">[Pg 54]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And when she got him home again,</div> <div class="verse02">And so could wear the jewels rare</div> <div class="verse00">Which Isabella, Queen of Spain,</div> <div class="verse02">Entrusted to her husband&rsquo;s care,</div> <div class="verse00">Her monetary wealth was &ldquo;far</div> <div class="verse00">Beyond the dreams of caviar!&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00 spread">&nbsp;&middot;&middot;&middot;&middot;&middot;</div> <div class="verse00">A melancholy thing it is</div> <div class="verse02">How few have known or understood</div> <div class="verse00">The manifold advantages</div> <div class="verse02">Of such herbaceous widowhood!</div> <div class="verse00">(What is it ruins married lives</div> <div class="verse00">But husbands ... not to mention wives?)</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_55">[Pg 55]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O wedded couples of to-day,</div> <div class="verse02">Pray take these principles to heart,</div> <div class="verse00">And copy the Columbian way</div> <div class="verse02">Of living happily apart.</div> <div class="verse00">And so, to you, at any rate,</div> <div class="verse00">Shall marriage be a &ldquo;bless&egrave;d state.&rdquo;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_56">[Pg 56]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_57">[Pg 57]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG class="border" id="i063" src="images/i063.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="513" alt="" /> <p class="caption"> &ldquo;<em>And so he daily left her side</em><br/> <em>To travel o&rsquo;er the ocean far</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="Dame_Rumor"><em>Dame Rumor</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">I should like to remark that Dame Rumor</div> <div class="verse02">Is the most unalluring of jades.</div> <div class="verse00">She has little or no sense of humor,</div> <div class="verse02">And her fables are worse than George Ade&rsquo;s.</div> <div class="verse00">(Or rather, I mean, if the reader prefers,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_58">[Pg 58]</SPAN></span> <div class="verse00">That the fables of Ade are much <em>better</em> than hers!)</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Her appearance imbues one with loathing,</div> <div class="verse02">From her jaundiced, malevolent eyes</div> <div class="verse00">To the tinsel she cares to call clothing,</div> <div class="verse02">Which is merely a patchwork of lies.</div> <div class="verse00">For her garments are such that a child could see through,</div> <div class="verse00">And her blouse (need I add?) is the famed Peek-a-boo!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">She is wholly devoid of discretion,</div> <div class="verse02">She is utterly wanting in tact,</div> <div class="verse00">She&rsquo;s a gossip by trade and profession,</div> <div class="verse02">And she much prefers fiction to fact.</div> <div class="verse00">She is seldom veracious, and always unkind,</div> <div class="verse00">And she moves to and fro with the speed of the wind.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">She resembles the men who (&rsquo;tis fabled)</div> <div class="verse02">Tumble into the Packingtown vats,</div> <div class="verse00">Who are boiled there, and bottled, and labelled</div> <div class="verse02">For the tables of true democrats:</div> <div class="verse00">Pickled souls who are canned for the public to buy,</div> <div class="verse00">And (like her) have a finger in every pie!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_59">[Pg 59]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_60">[Pg 60]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">With a step that is silent and stealthy,</div> <div class="verse02">Or an earsplitting clamor and noise,</div> <div class="verse00">She disturbs the repose of the wealthy,</div> <div class="verse02">Or the peace which the pauper enjoys.</div> <div class="verse00">And, however securely the doors may be shut,</div> <div class="verse00">She can always gain access to palace or hut.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Where the spinsters at tea are collected,</div> <div class="verse02">Her arrival is hailed with delight;</div> <div class="verse00">She is welcomed, adored, and respected</div> <div class="verse02">In each newspaper office at night;</div> <div class="verse00">For her presence imprints an original seal</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_61">[Pg 61]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">On an otherwise commonplace journal or meal.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">She has nothing in common with Virtue,</div> <div class="verse02">And with Truth she was never allied;</div> <div class="verse00">If she hasn&rsquo;t yet managed to hurt you,</div> <div class="verse02">It can&rsquo;t be from not having tried!</div> <div class="verse00">For the poison of adders is under her tongue,</div> <div class="verse00">And you&rsquo;re lucky indeed, if you&rsquo;ve never been stung.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Are you statesman, or author, or artist,</div> <div class="verse02">With a perfectly blameless career?</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_62">[Pg 62]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">Are your talents and wits of the smartest,</div> <div class="verse02">And your conscience abnormally clear?</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;He&rsquo;s a saint!&rdquo; says Dame Rumor, and smiles like the Sphinx.</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;He&rsquo;s a hero!&rdquo; (She adds:) &ldquo;What a pity he drinks!&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Gentle Reader, keep clear of her clutches!</div> <div class="verse02">O beware of her voice, I entreat!</div> <div class="verse00">Be you journalist, dowager duchess,</div> <div class="verse02">Or just merely the Man in the Street.</div> <div class="verse00">And I beg of you not to encourage a jade</div> <div class="verse00">Who, if once she is started, can <em>never</em> be stayed.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_63">[Pg 63]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG class="border" id="i073" src="images/i073.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="487" alt="" /> <p class="caption"> <em>&ldquo;Where the spinsters at tea are collected,</em><br/> <em>Her arrival is hailed with delight</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="The_Cry_of_the_Children"><em>The Cry of the Children</em></h2> <blockquote> <p>[On the subject of infant education it has been suggested that more advantageous results might be obtained if, instead of filling children&rsquo;s minds with such nonsense as fairy-tales, stories were read to them about Julius C&aelig;sar.]</p> </blockquote> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O my Brothers, do you hear the children weeping?</div> <div class="verse00">Do you note the teardrops tumbling from their eyes?</div> <div class="verse00">To the school-house they reluctantly are creeping,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_64">[Pg 64]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse02">Discontented with the teaching it supplies.</div> <div class="verse00">At the quality of modern education</div> <div class="verse02">Little urchins may with justice look askance,</div> <div class="verse00">Since it panders to a child&rsquo;s imagination,</div> <div class="verse04">And encourages romance.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Do you see that toddling baby with a bib on,</div> <div class="verse02">How his eyes with silent misery are dim?</div> <div class="verse00">He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon;</div> <div class="verse02">But his teachers give him nothing else but Grimm!</div> <div class="verse00">What a handicap to infantile ambition!</div> <div class="verse02">&rsquo;Tis enough to make the brightest bantling fume,</div> <div class="verse00">To be gammoned with an Andrew Lang edition,</div> <div class="verse04">When he longs for Hume, sweet Hume!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">See that tiny one, what boredom he expresses!</div> <div class="verse02">What intolerance his frequent yawns evince</div> <div class="verse00">Of the fairy-tales where beautiful princesses</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_65">[Pg 65]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_66">[Pg 66]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">Are delivered from a dragon by a prince!</div> <div class="verse00">How he curses the pedantic institution</div> <div class="verse02">Where he can&rsquo;t obtain such volumes as &ldquo;Le Cid,&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">Or that masterpiece on &ldquo;Social Evolution&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse04">By another kind of Kidd!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Do you hear the children weeping, O my Brothers?</div> <div class="verse02">They are crying for Max M&uuml;ller and Carlyle.</div> <div class="verse00">Tho&rsquo; Hans Andersen may satisfy their mothers,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_67">[Pg 67]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">They are weary of so immature a style.</div> <div class="verse00">And their time is far too brief to be expended</div> <div class="verse02">On such nonsense as their &ldquo;rude forefathers&rdquo; read;</div> <div class="verse00">For they know the days of sentiment are ended,</div> <div class="verse04">And that Chivalry is dead!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Oh remember that the pillars of the nation</div> <div class="verse02">Are the children that we discipline to-day;</div> <div class="verse00">That to give them a becoming education</div> <div class="verse02">You must rear them in a reasonable way!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_68">[Pg 68]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">Let us guard them from the glamour of the mystics,</div> <div class="verse02">Who would throw a ray of sunshine on their lives!</div> <div class="verse00">Let us feed each helpless atom on statistics,</div> <div class="verse04">And pray Heaven he survives!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Let us cast away the out-of-date traditions,</div> <div class="verse02">Which our poets and romanticists have sung!</div> <div class="verse00">Let us sacrifice the senseless superstitions</div> <div class="verse02">That illuminate the fancies of the young!</div> <div class="verse00">If we limit our instruction to the &ldquo;reals,&rdquo;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_69">[Pg 69]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">We may prove to ev&rsquo;ry baby from the start,</div> <div class="verse00">The futility of cherishing ideals</div> <div class="verse04">In his golden little heart!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_70">[Pg 70]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_71">[Pg 71]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG id="i081" class="border" src="images/i081.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="556" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;<em>He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="The_Cry_of_the_Elders"><em>The Cry of the Elders</em></h2> <blockquote> <p>[With steady but increasing pace the world is approaching a point at which the cleverness of the young will amount to a social problem. Already things are getting uncomfortable for persons of age and sobriety, whose notion of happiness is to ruminate a few solid and simple ideas in freedom from disturbance.&mdash;<cite>Macmillan&rsquo;s Magazine.</cite>]</p> </blockquote> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O my Children, do you hear your elders sighing?</div> <div class="verse00">Do you wonder that senility should find</div> <div class="verse02">Your encyclop&aelig;dic knowledge somewhat trying</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_72">[Pg 72]</SPAN></span><div class="verse06">To the ordinary mind?</div> <div class="verse00">In the heyday of a former generation,</div> <div class="verse02">Some respect for our intelligence was shown;</div> <div class="verse04">And it&rsquo;s hard for us to cotton</div> <div class="verse04">To the fact that <em>you&rsquo;ve</em> forgotten</div> <div class="verse06">More than <em>we</em> have ever known!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O my Children, do you hear your elders snoring,</div> <div class="verse02">When the &ldquo;chassis&rdquo; of your motors you discuss?</div> <div class="verse00">Do you wonder that your &ldquo;shop&rdquo; is rather boring</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_73">[Pg 73]</SPAN></span><div class="verse06">To such simple souls as us?<SPAN name="FNanchor_1_1"></SPAN><SPAN href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</SPAN></div> <div class="verse00">Do you marvel that your dreary conversation</div> <div class="verse02">Should evoke the yawns that &ldquo;lie too deep for tears,&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse04">When you lecture to your betters</div> <div class="verse04">About &ldquo;tanks&rdquo; and &ldquo;carburettors,&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse06">About &ldquo;sparking-plugs&rdquo; and &ldquo;gears&rdquo;?</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O my Children, in the season of your nonage,</div> <div class="verse02">(Which delightful days no longer now exist!)</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_74">[Pg 74]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">We could join with other fogeys of our own age</div> <div class="verse04">In a quiet game of whist.</div> <div class="verse00"><em>Now</em>, at bridge, our very experts are defeated</div> <div class="verse02">By some beardless but impertinent young cub,</div> <div class="verse04">Who converts our silent table</div> <div class="verse04">To a very Tow&rsquo;r of Babel,</div> <div class="verse06">At the Knickerbocker Club!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O my Children, we no longer are respected!</div> <div class="verse02">&rsquo;Tis a fact we older fellows must deplore,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_75">[Pg 75]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">Whose opinions and whose judgments are neglected,</div> <div class="verse06">As they never were before.</div> <div class="verse00">We may tender good advice to our descendants;</div> <div class="verse02">We may offer them our money, if we will;</div> <div class="verse04">Lo, the one shall be forsaken,</div> <div class="verse03">And the other shall be taken</div> <div class="verse05">(Like the women at the mill!).</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O my Children, note the moral (like a kernel)</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_76">[Pg 76]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">I have hidden in the centre of my song!</div> <div class="verse00">Do not contradict a relative maternal,</div> <div class="verse06">If she happens to be wrong!</div> <div class="verse00">Be indulgent to the author of your being;</div> <div class="verse02">Never show him the contempt that you must feel;</div> <div class="verse04">Treat him tolerantly, rather,</div> <div class="verse04">Since a man who is <em>your</em> father</div> <div class="verse06">Can&rsquo;t be wholly imbecile!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O my Children, we, the older generation,</div> <div class="verse02">At whose feet you ought (in theory) to sit,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_77">[Pg 77]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">Are bewildered by your mental penetration,</div> <div class="verse06">We are dazzled by your wit!</div> <div class="verse00">But we hopefully anticipate a future</div> <div class="verse02">When the airship shall replace the motor-&rsquo;bus,</div> <div class="verse04">And <em>your</em> children, when they meet you,</div> <div class="verse04">Shall inevitably treat you</div> <div class="verse06">Just as you are treating us!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_78">[Pg 78]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_79">[Pg 79]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="footnote"> <p><SPAN name="Footnote_1_1"></SPAN><SPAN href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></SPAN> &ldquo;As us&rdquo; is not grammar.&mdash;Publishers&rsquo; Reader. &ldquo;As we&rdquo; is not verse.&mdash;H. G.</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="An_Epithalamium"><em>An Epithalamium</em><br/> <small><small> LONGWORTH&mdash;ROOSEVELT, <span class="smcap">February 17th, 1906</span> </small></small></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Hail, bride and bridegroom of the West!</div> <div class="verse02">Your troth irrevocably plighted!</div> <div class="verse00">Your act of Union doubly blest,</div> <div class="verse06">Your single States United,</div> <div class="verse00">With full approval and assent</div> <div class="verse00">Of populace and President!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_80">[Pg 80]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Let Spangled Banners wave on high,</div> <div class="verse02">To greet the maiden as she passes!</div> <div class="verse00">See how the proud Proconsul&rsquo;s eye</div> <div class="verse06">Grows dim behind his glasses!</div> <div class="verse00">How fond the heart that beats beneath</div> <div class="verse00">Those pleated Presidential teeth!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The bishop has received his cheque,</div> <div class="verse02">The final slipper has been thrown;</div> <div class="verse00">With rice down each respective neck,</div> <div class="verse06">The couple stand alone.</div> <div class="verse00">To them, at last, the fates provide</div> <div class="verse00">A privacy so long denied.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Letters and wires, from near and far,</div> <div class="verse02">Lie thickly piled on ev&rsquo;ry table;</div> <div class="verse00">The peaceful message from the Czar,</div> <div class="verse06">The Kaiser&rsquo;s kindly cable;</div> <div class="verse00">The well-expressed congratulations</div> <div class="verse00">From Heads of all the Sister Nations.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Rich gifts, as countless as the sand</div> <div class="verse02">That cloaks the desert of Sahara,</div> <div class="verse00">From fish-slice to piano (grand),</div> <div class="verse06">From toast-rack to tiara,</div> <div class="verse00">Still overwhelm the lucky maid</div> <div class="verse00">(With heavy duties to be paid!).</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_81">[Pg 81]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_82">[Pg 82]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">See, hand-in-hand, the couple stand!</div> <div class="verse02">(The guests their homeward journey take,</div> <div class="verse00">Concealing their emotion&mdash;and</div> <div class="verse06">Some lumps of wedding cake!)</div> <div class="verse00">How glad the happy pair must be</div> <div class="verse00">That Hymen&rsquo;s bonds have set them free!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Free of the curious Yellow Press,</div> <div class="verse02">Free of the public&rsquo;s prying gaze,</div> <div class="verse00">Of all the troubles that obsess</div> <div class="verse06">The path of fianc&eacute;s!</div> <div class="verse00">Alone at last, and safely screen&rsquo;d</div> <div class="verse00">From onslaughts of the kodak-fiend!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_83">[Pg 83]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The Bride, who bore without demur</div> <div class="verse02">The wiles of artists photographic,</div> <div class="verse00">Of vulgar crowds that gaped at her,</div> <div class="verse06">Congesting all the traffic,</div> <div class="verse00">Can shop, once more, in perfect peace,</div> <div class="verse00">Without the help of the police.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Arrayed in stylish trav&rsquo;lling dress,</div> <div class="verse02">Behold, with blushes she departs!</div> <div class="verse00">The free Republican Princess</div> <div class="verse06">A captive Queen of Hearts!</div> <div class="verse00">(Captive to Cupid, need I say?</div> <div class="verse00">But Queen in ev&rsquo;ry other way!)</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_84">[Pg 84]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And this must surely be the hour</div> <div class="verse02">For Anglo-Saxons, ev&rsquo;rywhere,</div> <div class="verse00">With cousinly regard, to show&rsquo;r</div> <div class="verse06">Good wishes on the pair;</div> <div class="verse00">Borne on the bosom of the breeze,</div> <div class="verse00">Our blessings speed across the seas!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Hail, Bride and Bridegroom of the West!</div> <div class="verse02">(Pray pardon my redundant lyre)</div> <div class="verse00">May your united lives be blest</div> <div class="verse06">With all your hearts&rsquo; desire!</div> <div class="verse00">Accept the warm felicitations</div> <div class="verse00">Of fond, if distant, blood-relations!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_85">[Pg 85]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG class="border" id="i099" src="images/i099.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="388" alt="" /> <p class="caption"> &ldquo;<em>How glad the happy pair must be</em><br/> <em>That Hymen&rsquo;s bonds have set them free</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="The_Self-Made_Father_to_His_Ready-Made_Son"><em>The Self-Made Father to His Ready-Made Son</em><br/> <small>(AN OPEN LETTER)</small></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">My Offspring:&mdash;Ere you raise the glass,</div> <div class="verse02">To irrigate your ardent throttle;</div> <div class="verse00">Ere once again you gladly pass</div> <div class="verse14">The bottle;</div> <div class="verse00">Take heed that your prevailing passion</div> <div class="verse00">Be not completely out of fashion.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_86">[Pg 86]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">No longer does the Prodigal</div> <div class="verse02">Expend his nights in drunken frolic;</div> <div class="verse00">Or pass his days in revels al-Coholic;</div> <div class="verse00">For, nowadays, a glass <i xml:lang="fr">de trop</i></div> <div class="verse00">Is not considered <i xml:lang="fr">comme il faut</i>.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">No longer do the youthful fall,</div> <div class="verse02">Like leaf or partridge in October;</div> <div class="verse00">For they, if anything at all,</div> <div class="verse14">Are sober.</div> <div class="verse00">(I mean the boys,&mdash;don&rsquo;t be absurd!</div> <div class="verse00">And not the foliage or the bird.)</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_87">[Pg 87]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">No longer arm-in-arm they roam,</div> <div class="verse02">Despite constabulary warning,</div> <div class="verse00">Declaring that they won&rsquo;t go home</div> <div class="verse14">Till morning!</div> <div class="verse00">With bursts of bacchanalian song,</div> <div class="verse00">And jokes as broad as they are long.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">No more they wander to-and-fro,</div> <div class="verse02">Exchanging incoherent greetings&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">The kind in vogue at Caledo-</div> <div class="verse14">-Nian Meetings</div> <div class="verse00">(Behavior that we all condemn,</div> <div class="verse00">Especially at 3 a. m.).</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_88">[Pg 88]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Yes; fashions change&mdash;and well they may!</div> <div class="verse02">No longer, at the dinner-table,</div> <div class="verse00">Do persons drink as much as they</div> <div class="verse14">Are able;</div> <div class="verse00">And seek the hospitable floor,</div> <div class="verse00">When they have drunk a trifle more.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">My nasal hue, incarnadine,</div> <div class="verse02">Shall not, perhaps, be wholly wasted,</div> <div class="verse00">If sons of mine but leave their wine</div> <div class="verse14">Untasted;</div> <div class="verse00">And vanquish, with deserving merit,</div> <div class="verse00">The varied vices they inherit.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_89">[Pg 89]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Yes, Offspring, I rejoice to think</div> <div class="verse02">That, shunning my example truly,</div> <div class="verse00">You never may be led to drink</div> <div class="verse14">Unduly.</div> <div class="verse00">It is indeed a bless&egrave;d thought!</div> <div class="verse00">Now, will you kindly pass the port?</div> </div></div> <hr class="chap" /> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_91">[Pg 91]</SPAN></span></p> <h2 id="The_Author_to_His_Hostess"><em>The Author to His Hostess</em><br/> <small>(AN OPEN LETTER)</small></h2> <blockquote> <p>[Very few English men of letters enjoy a desirable social position. To be sure, they are frequently invited to functions, where they are treated with insistent affability by persons belonging to the higher classes; but the sort of position to be obtained in this way is insecure, and unpleasant to any save those of adamantine cheek.&mdash;<cite>Current Magazine.</cite>]</p> </blockquote> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Dear Lady,&mdash;When you bade me come</div> <div class="verse00">To grace your crowded &ldquo;Kettledrum,&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse02">And mingle in the best society;</div> <div class="verse00">When Melba sang, and Elman played,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_92">[Pg 92]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And waiters handed lemonade</div> <div class="verse02">(Tempering music with sobriety),</div> <div class="verse00">I never had the least suspicion</div> <div class="verse00">Of my precarious position.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But now, with opened eyes, I leap</div> <div class="verse00">To this conclusion, shrewd and deep,</div> <div class="verse02">(What cerebral agility!):</div> <div class="verse00">Your compliments were insincere,</div> <div class="verse00">Your hospitality was mere</div> <div class="verse02">&ldquo;Insistent affability!&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">And I, a foolish man of letters,</div> <div class="verse00">Who thought to mingle with his betters!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Ah me! How pride precedes a fall!</div> <div class="verse00">That one who haunted &ldquo;rout&rdquo; or ball,</div> <div class="verse02">When invitations were acquirable,</div> <div class="verse00">Should see himself as others see,</div> <div class="verse00">Becoming suddenly, like me,</div> <div class="verse02">A social &ldquo;undesirable&rdquo;;</div> <div class="verse00">Invading the selectest clique</div> <div class="verse00">With truly adamantine cheek!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">How proud an air I used to wear!</div> <div class="verse00">When titled persons turned to stare,</div> <div class="verse02">I blushed like a geranium.</div> <div class="verse00">When lovely ladies softly said:</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_93">[Pg 93]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_94">[Pg 94]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Oh, Duchess, did you see his head?&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse02">&ldquo;What a capacious cranium!&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Yes; isn&rsquo;t that the man who writes?&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;I wonder why they look such frights!&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">I used to bridle coyly when</div> <div class="verse00">Some schoolmate, of the Upper Ten</div> <div class="verse02">(They were not over-numerous!),</div> <div class="verse00">Would slap my back, and shout &ldquo;By Jove!</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Ain&rsquo;t you a literary cove?&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse02">(As tho&rsquo; &rsquo;twere something humorous!)</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Those books of yours are grand, you bet!</div> <div class="verse00">What? No, I haven&rsquo;t read them yet.&rdquo;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_95">[Pg 95]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But now I realize my fate;</div> <div class="verse00">A stranger at the social gate</div> <div class="verse02">(Tho&rsquo; treated with civility);</div> <div class="verse00">The choicest circles I frequent</div> <div class="verse00">Must be the ones my brains invent,</div> <div class="verse02">With fictional futility;</div> <div class="verse00">The only Royalties I know</div> <div class="verse00">Are those my publisher can show!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The garden-party, and the tea,</div> <div class="verse00">Are surely not for men like me</div> <div class="verse02">(O Vanity of Vanities!);</div> <div class="verse00">Such entertainments are taboo,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_96">[Pg 96]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And might debase my talents to</div> <div class="verse02">Additional inanities.</div> <div class="verse00">The Poet has no business there:</div> <div class="verse00"><i xml:lang="fr">Que ferait-il dans cette gal&egrave;re?</i></div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Ah, lonely is the Author&rsquo;s lot!</div> <div class="verse00">Assuming, if he hath it not,</div> <div class="verse02">A suitable humility.</div> <div class="verse00">For when his daily work is done,</div> <div class="verse00">He must inevitably shun</div> <div class="verse02">The homes of the Nobility,</div> <div class="verse00">As, with dejected steps, he passes</div> <div class="verse00">To supper with the middle classes!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_97">[Pg 97]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG id="i113" class="border" src="images/i113.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="455" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;<em>I wonder why they look such frights</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="On_the_Decline_of_Gentility_Among_the_Young"><em>On the Decline of Gentility Among the Young</em><br/> <small>(SUGGESTED BY MR. MAX BEERBOHM)</small></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O youth uncouth, who slouchest by,</div> <div class="verse02">Along the crowded public street,</div> <div class="verse00">An eyeglass in thy languid eye,</div> <div class="verse06">Brown boots upon thy feet,</div> <div class="verse00">A loose umbrella in thy grip,</div> <div class="verse00">A toothpick pendent from thy lip.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_98">[Pg 98]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Much I deplore thy clumsy gait,</div> <div class="verse02">Thy drab sartorial display,</div> <div class="verse00">So wholly inappropriate</div> <div class="verse06">To this august highway;</div> <div class="verse00">How can a man in such attire</div> <div class="verse00">Set any spinster&rsquo;s heart on fire?</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Thou art in dress no epicure,</div> <div class="verse02">By weight of fashions overladen;</div> <div class="verse00">Thy tawdry togs do not allure</div> <div class="verse06">The soul of every maiden;</div> <div class="verse00">They sound no echoing color-note</div> <div class="verse00">To her tempestuous petticoat.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Her stylish skirt, her dainty blouse,</div> <div class="verse02">Are cr&ecirc;pe-de-chine, or bombazine<SPAN name="FNanchor_2_2"></SPAN><SPAN href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</SPAN>;</div> <div class="verse00">Compare the texture of thy trous:</div> <div class="verse06">With <em>their</em> chromatic sheen;</div> <div class="verse00">To what abysm of taste we reach</div> <div class="verse00">By the Observance of thy Breech!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Think what she pays her <i xml:lang="fr">modiste</i> for</div> <div class="verse02">Those hats of questionable shapes,</div> <div class="verse00">Surmounted by a seagull or</div> <div class="verse06">Some imitation grapes!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_99">[Pg 99]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_100">[Pg 100]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">Small wonder she receives a shock</div> <div class="verse00">Each time she views thy &ldquo;billycock&rdquo;!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Observe how like an autumn leaf</div> <div class="verse02">The colors of the male canary,</div> <div class="verse00">The garb of each New Zealand chief</div> <div class="verse06">Who woos his Little Maori;</div> <div class="verse00">The savage mind has thus designed</div> <div class="verse00">A dress to please its womankind.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And tho&rsquo; I would not have thee go</div> <div class="verse02">As far as primal man or beast,</div> <div class="verse00">To lovely woman thou should&rsquo;st show</div> <div class="verse06"><em>Some</em> deference at least,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_101">[Pg 101]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">And give a thought of what to wear</div> <div class="verse00">Upon the public thoroughfare.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">And should&rsquo;st thou wish to walk aright,</div> <div class="verse02">Let Mr. Beerbohm be thy mould;</div> <div class="verse00">Sedate yet courtly, and polite</div> <div class="verse06">As any beau of old;</div> <div class="verse00">Yea, plant thy footsteps in the tracks</div> <div class="verse00">Of our inimitable Max!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Enclose thy larynx in a stock</div> <div class="verse02">(As though afflicted with the fever);</div> <div class="verse00">And in the place of &ldquo;billycock&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse06">Procure a bristling &ldquo;beaver&rdquo;;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_102">[Pg 102]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">And practise, not I hope in vain,</div> <div class="verse00">The &ldquo;conduct of a clouded cane.&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">If thou consentest thus to act,</div> <div class="verse02">In scorn of popular convention,</div> <div class="verse00">Thy bearing shall indeed attract</div> <div class="verse06">Much feminine attention;</div> <div class="verse00">As day by day, in brilliant hue,</div> <div class="verse00">Thy figure fills Fifth Avenue.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_103">[Pg 103]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="footnote"> <p><SPAN name="Footnote_2_2"></SPAN><SPAN href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></SPAN> Impossible.&mdash;Publishers&rsquo; Reader.</p> <p>These ones were.&mdash;H. G.</p> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG id="i121" class="border" src="images/i121.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="519" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;<em>Small wonder she receives a shock each time she views thy billycock</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="Lochinvar">&ldquo;<em>Lochinvar</em>&rdquo;<br/> <small>(WITH APOLOGIES TO SCOTT AND SWINBURNE)</small></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">When the shadow-shapes shone like a shaddock,</div> <div class="verse02">Where the sunset had kissed them to flame,</div> <div class="verse00">On his palfrey, the pick of the paddock,</div> <div class="verse02">With his sword in its scabbard, he came!</div> <div class="verse00">In the glamour of amorous passion</div> <div class="verse02">He would blaze like a seasoned cigar;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_104">[Pg 104]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">And he fought in a similar fashion,</div> <div class="verse06">Did Young Lochinvar!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">By the fences and fens unaffrighted,</div> <div class="verse02">And unstopt by the stream in its spate,</div> <div class="verse00">In a lather, at last, he alighted,</div> <div class="verse02">And he knocked at the Netherbys&rsquo; gate.</div> <div class="verse00">&rsquo;Twas too late! (As he doubtless had dreaded.)</div> <div class="verse02">He perceived his particular &ldquo;star&rdquo;</div> <div class="verse00">To a blackguard about to be wedded,</div> <div class="verse06">Did Young Lochinvar!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_105">[Pg 105]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But he passed through the portal so proudly</div> <div class="verse02">To the room where the gifts were displayed,</div> <div class="verse00">That old Netherby called to him loudly</div> <div class="verse02">(For the bridegroom, poor fool, was afraid).</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Is it blood you are bent upon shedding?</div> <div class="verse02">With a murder this marriage to mar?</div> <div class="verse00">Or to waltz do you wish at the wedding,</div> <div class="verse06">My Young Lochinvar?&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">He replied, &ldquo;Tho&rsquo; &rsquo;twere useless to smother</div> <div class="verse02">My love for the maid at your side;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_106">[Pg 106]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">Tho&rsquo; my Helen be bound to another,</div> <div class="verse02">I shall trust to the turn of the tied.</div> <div class="verse00">As I drink to her squint and her freckles,</div> <div class="verse02">I&rsquo;ll remark how few ladies there are</div> <div class="verse00">Who would shrink from a share of the shekels</div> <div class="verse06">Of Young Lochinvar.&rdquo;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Then he pledged her in port, so politely</div> <div class="verse02">(Tho&rsquo; her mother lamented his taste),</div> <div class="verse00">And she smiled at him ever so slightly,</div> <div class="verse02">As he settled his arm round her waist.</div> <div class="verse00">When he drew her direct to the dancers,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_107">[Pg 107]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">The Bohemian band struck a bar,</div> <div class="verse00">And she found herself leading the Lancers</div> <div class="verse06">With Young Lochinvar!</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Oh, the beauty and grace are so vivid</div> <div class="verse02">Of this perfectly parallel pair,</div> <div class="verse00">That the parents grow purple and livid,</div> <div class="verse02">And the bridegroom is tearing his hair;</div> <div class="verse00">While the bridesmaids talk ten to the dozen,</div> <div class="verse02">Saying: &ldquo;Goodness, what gabies we are,</div> <div class="verse00">Not to marry our exquisite cousin</div> <div class="verse06">To Young Lochinvar!&rdquo;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_108">[Pg 108]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Then the girl by her partner is beckoned</div> <div class="verse02">To the door, where a charger they find;</div> <div class="verse00">To the saddle he springs in a second,</div> <div class="verse02">And he lifts her up lightly behind;</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;She is mine!&rdquo; he announces, adjourning</div> <div class="verse02">To the distant horizon afar,</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Till the cattle to roost are returning!&rdquo;<SPAN name="FNanchor_3_3"></SPAN><SPAN href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</SPAN></div> <div class="verse06">Says Young Lochinvar.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">O the tumult! The tumbling of tables!</div> <div class="verse02">O the stress of the scene that succeeds!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_109">[Pg 109]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">O the stir on the stairs,&mdash;in the stables!</div> <div class="verse02">O the stamping and saddling of steeds!</div> <div class="verse00">But the bride has eluded them surely;</div> <div class="verse02">In the room of some kind Registrar,</div> <div class="verse00">She is now being wedded securely</div> <div class="verse06">To Young Lochinvar!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_110">[Pg 110]</SPAN><br/><SPAN name="Page_111">[Pg 111]</SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="footnote"> <p><SPAN name="Footnote_3_3"></SPAN><SPAN href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></SPAN> &ldquo;Till the cows come home&rdquo;: an old English saying, denoting eternity.</p> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG id="i129" class="border" src="images/i129.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="466" alt="" /> <p class="caption">&ldquo;&lsquo;<em>She is mine!&rsquo; he announces, adjourning To the distant horizon afar</em>&rdquo;</p> </div> <hr class="chap" /> <h2 id="Abbreviations_Artful_Aid"><em>Abbreviation&rsquo;s Artful Aid</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The Bard, at times</div> <div class="verse00">Is stumped for rhymes,</div> <div class="verse02">Without the least excuse.</div> <div class="verse00">He can defy</div> <div class="verse00">Such moments by</div> <div class="verse02">Abbreviation&rsquo;s use,</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_112">[Pg 112]</SPAN></span> <div class="verse00">And gain the grat:</div> <div class="verse02">Of friend or neighb:</div> <div class="verse00">Without an at:</div> <div class="verse02">Of extra lab:</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">So simp: a rule</div> <div class="verse00">May seem pecul:</div> <div class="verse02">And make the crit: indig:</div> <div class="verse00">What matter if</div> <div class="verse00">The scans: is diff:</div> <div class="verse02">The meaning too ambig:?</div> <div class="verse00">The net result,</div> <div class="verse02">Lacon: and punct:</div> <div class="verse00">Is worth a mult:</div> <div class="verse02">Of needless unct:</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_113">[Pg 113]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">We long for sile:</div> <div class="verse00">From folks who pile</div> <div class="verse02">Their worldly Pel: on Oss:</div> <div class="verse00">Extremely nox:</div> <div class="verse00">And quite intox:</div> <div class="verse02">By their exhub: verbos:</div> <div class="verse00">We curse their imp:</div> <div class="verse02">In manner dras:</div> <div class="verse00">And fail to symp:</div> <div class="verse02">With their loquac:</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">In House of Rep:</div> <div class="verse00">Applause is tep:</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_114">[Pg 114]</SPAN></span><div class="verse02">For periphrastic Pol:</div> <div class="verse00">Reviewers sniff</div> <div class="verse00">At auth: prolif:</div> <div class="verse02">With semiannual vol:</div> <div class="verse00">But we can pard:</div> <div class="verse02">However peev:</div> <div class="verse00">The minor bard</div> <div class="verse02">Who will abbrev:</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">With pen and ink</div> <div class="verse00">In close propinq:</div> <div class="verse02">The Poet, lucky fell:!</div> <div class="verse00">Avoiding troub:</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_115">[Pg 115]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">May give his pub:</div> <div class="verse02">The cred: for some intell:</div> <div class="verse00">And like an orph:</div> <div class="verse02">In pose recumb:</div> <div class="verse00">In arms of Morph:</div> <div class="verse02">Securely slumb:</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Let corks explode:</div> <div class="verse00">With brand: and sod:</div> <div class="verse02">Ye wearers of the mot:!</div> <div class="verse00">Decant the cham:</div> <div class="verse00">(What matt: the dam:?)</div> <div class="verse02">And empt: the flowing bott:!</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_116">[Pg 116]</SPAN></span><div class="verse00">And ne&rsquo;er surren:</div> <div class="verse02">The Laureate&rsquo;s palm,</div> <div class="verse00">His haunch of ven:</div> <div class="verse02">And butt of Malm:!</div> </div></div> <hr class="chap" /> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_117">[Pg 117]</SPAN></span></p> <h2 id="Authors_Aftword"><em>Author&rsquo;s Aftword</em></h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">How I have labored, night and day,</div> <div class="verse02">Just like the hero of a novel,</div> <div class="verse00">To drive the hungry wolf away</div> <div class="verse06">From my baronial hovel,</div> <div class="verse00">To keep the bailiffs from my home,</div> <div class="verse00">By finishing this bulky tome.</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_118">[Pg 118]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">To such a trying mental strain</div> <div class="verse02">My intellect is far from fitted,</div> <div class="verse00">Tho&rsquo; if I had an ounce more brain</div> <div class="verse06">I should be quite half-witted,</div> <div class="verse00">And when I wander in my mind</div> <div class="verse00">I am most difficult to find.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">The sort of life for which I care</div> <div class="verse02">Is one combining Peace and Plenty</div> <div class="verse00">With <i xml:lang="fr">laisser aller</i>, <i xml:lang="fr">laisser faire</i>,</div> <div class="verse06">And <i xml:lang="fr">dolce far niente</i>.</div> <div class="verse00">(The heart of ev&rsquo;ry Bridge-fiend jumps:</div> <div class="verse00"><i xml:lang="fr">Dolce</i> ... &rsquo;tis sweet to make &ldquo;No Trumps.&rdquo;)</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_119">[Pg 119]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">I shrink from work in any shape,&mdash;</div> <div class="verse02">Too clearly do these pages show it,&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">But work is what one can&rsquo;t escape</div> <div class="verse06">And be a Minor Poet;</div> <div class="verse00">And critics I may well defy</div> <div class="verse00">To find a minor bard than I.</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">I ought to live out &rsquo;Frisco way,</div> <div class="verse02">Where working is considered silly,</div> <div class="verse00">As Greeley (Horace) used to say,&mdash;</div> <div class="verse06">Or was it Collier (Willie)?&mdash;</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Go West, young man&rdquo; (I understand),</div> <div class="verse00">&ldquo;Go West and blow up with the land!&rdquo;</div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_120">[Pg 120]</SPAN></span></div> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">Were I as full of zeal and fun</div> <div class="verse02">As Balzac, who could drudge so gaily,</div> <div class="verse00">Or diligent as Peter Dunne,</div> <div class="verse06">I might accomplish daily</div> <div class="verse00">An ode of Pleasure or of Passion</div> <div class="verse00">In Ella Wheeler Wilcox fashion;</div> </div><div class="stanza"> <div class="verse00">But, as it is, I sit and toil,</div> <div class="verse02">Consuming time and ink and curses</div> <div class="verse00">And pints of precious midnight oil</div> <div class="verse06">To perpetrate these verses.</div> <div class="verse00">If <em>writing</em> them be dull indeed,</div> <div class="verse00">Alas! what must they be to <em>read</em>!</div> </div></div> <SPAN name="endofbook"></SPAN> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />