Grimm Tales Made Gay

<SPAN name="startofbook"></SPAN> <h1><span class="title">GRIMM TALES<br/> MADE GAY</span><br/> <small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Guy Wetmore Carryl</span><br/><br/> <small>With</small> GAY PICTURES<br/> <small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Albert Levering</span> </h1> <div class="figcenter t b"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-001.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="717" alt="Cover" title="" /></div> <div class="figcenter t"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-002.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="654" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore,</div> <div>After he&#8217;d led his young wife to a door.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter t"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-003.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="705" alt="" title="" /></div> <h2>GRIMM TALES<br/> MADE GAY<br/> <small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Guy Wetmore Carryl</span><br/><br/> <span class="smcap">author of</span><br/> <small><span class="smcap">this &#8230;&#8230; and many &#8230;&#8230; other &#8230;&#8230; things!</span></small><br/><br/> PICTURES BY<br/> ALBERT LEVERING<br/><br/> <span class="smcap">artist of</span><br/> <small><span class="smcap">that &#8230;&#8230; the other &#8230;&#8230; and this</span></small><br/><br/> <span class="smcap">boston <small>&#38;</small> new york</span><br/> <small><span class="smcap">houghton, mifflin &#38; co.</span></small></h2> <div class="figcenter t"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-004.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="592" alt="Copyright" title="" /></div> <h4>COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY GUY<br/> WETMORE CARRYL AND<br/> ALBERT LEVERING<br/> ALL RIGHTS RESERVED<br/><br/> <em>Published in October, 1902</em></h4> <div class="figcenter t"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-005.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="592" alt="Dedication" title="" /></div> <h4>TO<br/> CHARLES<br/> WALTON<br/> OGDEN</h4> <hr /> <h2>NOTE</h2> <div class="note"> <p class="note">I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of the editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were originally published in Harper&#8217;s Magazine, The Century, Life, The Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the London Tatler.</p> <p class="note1">G. W. C.</p> </div> <div class="figright b"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-007.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="319" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-009.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="698" alt="Contents" title="" /></div> <h2 class="head"><SPAN name="contents" id="contents"></SPAN>The Contents</h2> <div class="contents"> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#beaten">How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn&#8217;t be Beaten</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#shoe">How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#eaten">How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#true">How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#onus">How Hop O&#8217; My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#door">How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#bonus">How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#sore">How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#rewarded">How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#beast">How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#accorded">How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#released">How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#suited">How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#chap">How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#booted">How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#cap">How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#sadness">How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#far">How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#madness">How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness</SPAN></div> <div class="b"><SPAN href="#jar">How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar</SPAN></div> <div class="a"><SPAN href="#envoi">Envoi</SPAN></div> </div> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="beaten" id="beaten"></SPAN>How the Babes in the Wood<br/>Showed They Couldn&#8217;t be<br/>Beaten</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="figleft b"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-013.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="274" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flright t"> <div>A man of kind and noble mind</div> <div class="i1">Was H. Gustavus Hyde.</div> <div>&#8217;Twould be amiss to add to this</div> <div class="i1">At present, for he died,</div> <div>In full possession of his senses,</div> <div>The day before my tale commences.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>One half his gold his four-year-old</div> <div class="i1">Son Paul was known to win,</div> <div>And Beatrix, whose age was six,</div> <div class="i1">For all the rest came in,</div> <div>Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did</div> <div>A thing that people said was splendid.</div> </div> <div class="verse flleft"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></SPAN></span> For by the hand he took them, and</div> <div class="i1">Remarked in accents smooth:</div> <div class="o">&#8220;One thing I ask. Be mine the task</div> <div class="i1">These stricken babes to soothe!</div> <div>My country home is really charming:</div> <div>I&#8217;ll teach them all the joys of farming.&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 500px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-014.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="498" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flright b"> <div>One halcyon week they fished his creek,</div> <div class="i1">And watched him do the chores,</div> <div>In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid</div> <div class="i1">Down sloping cellar doors:&#8212;</div> <div>Because this life to bliss was equal</div> <div>The more distressing is the sequel.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_15" id="Page_15"></SPAN></span> Concealing guile beneath a smile,</div> <div class="i1">He took them to a wood,</div> <div>And, with severe and most austere</div> <div class="i1">Injunctions to be good,</div> <div>He left them seated on a gateway,</div> <div>And took his own departure straightway.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter b"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-015.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="312" alt="The Wood" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b b"> <div>Though much afraid, the children stayed</div> <div class="i1">From ten till nearly eight;</div> <div>At times they wept, at times they slept,</div> <div class="i1">But never left the gate:</div> <div>Until the swift suspicion crossed them</div> <div>That Uncle Benjamin had lost them.</div> </div> <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-016.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="528" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flright"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></SPAN></span> Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;It&#8217;s like a dreadful dream,</div> <div>And Uncle Ben has fallen ten</div> <div class="i1">Per cent. in my esteem.</div> <div>Not only did he first usurp us,</div> <div>But now he&#8217;s left us here on purpose!&#8221;</div> <div class="aspace">*****</div> <div>For countless years their childish fears</div> <div class="i1">Have made the reader pale,</div> <div>For countless years the public&#8217;s tears</div> <div class="i1">Have started at the tale,</div> <div>For countless years much detestation</div> <div>Has been expressed for their relation.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>So draw a veil across the dale</div> <div class="i1">Where stood that ghastly gate.</div> <div>No need to tell. You know full well</div> <div class="i1">What was their touching fate,</div> <div>And how with leaves each little dead breast</div> <div>Was covered by a Robin Redbreast!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>But when they found them on the ground,</div> <div class="i1">Although their life had ceased,</div> <div>Quite near to Paul there lay a small</div> <div class="i1">White paper, neatly creased.</div> <div class="o">&#8220;<em>Because of lack of any merit,</em></div> <div><em>B. Hyde</em>,&#8221; it ran, &#8220;<em>we disinherit</em>!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: If you deeply long</div> <div>To punish one who&#8217;s done you wrong,</div> <div>Though in your lifetime fail you may,</div> <div>Where there&#8217;s a will, there is a way!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_17" id="Page_17"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="shoe" id="shoe"></SPAN><em>How Fair Cinderella Disposed<br/>of Her Shoe</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w"> <div>The vainest girls in forty states</div> <div>Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;</div> <div>They warbled, slightly off the air,</div> <div class="i1">Romantic German songs,</div> <div>And each of them upon her hair</div> <div class="i1">Employed the curling tongs,</div> <div>And each with ardor most intense</div> <div class="i1">Her buxom figure laced,</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-017.png" width-obs="700" height-obs="191" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>Until her wilful want of sense</div> <div class="i1">Procured a woeful waist:</div> <div>For bound to marry titled mates</div> <div>Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_18" id="Page_18"></SPAN></span> Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few</div> <div>Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).</div> <div>So morning, afternoon, and night</div> <div class="i1">Upon their sister they</div> <div>Were wont to vent their selfish spite,</div> <div class="i1">And in the rudest way:</div> <div>For though her name was Leonore,</div> <div class="i1">That&#8217;s neither there nor here,</div> <div>They called her Cinderella, for</div> <div class="i1">The kitchen was her sphere,</div> <div>Save when the hair she had to do</div> <div>Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).</div> </div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-018.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="293" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft b"> <div>Each night to dances and to <em>f&#234;tes</em></div> <div>Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates,</div> <div>And Cinderella watched them go</div> <div class="i1">In silks and satins clad:</div> <div>A prince invited them, and so</div> <div class="i1">They put on all they had!</div> <div>But one fine night, as all alone</div> <div class="i1">She watched the flames leap higher,</div> <div>A small and stooping fairy crone</div> <div class="i1">Stept nimbly from the fire.</div> <div>Said she: &#8220;The pride upon me grates</div> <div>Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div class="o">&#8220;I&#8217;ll now,&#8221; she added, with a frown,</div> <div class="o">&#8220;Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!&#8221;</div> <div>And, ere your fingers you could snap,</div> <div class="i1">There stood before the door</div> <div>No paltry hired horse and trap,</div> <div class="i1">Oh, no!&#8212;a coach and four!</div> <div>And Cinderella, fitted out</div> <div class="i1">Regardless of expense,</div> <div>Made both her sisters look about</div> <div class="i1">Like thirty-seven cents!</div> <div>The prince, with one look at her gown,</div> <div>Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-019.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="383" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></SPAN></span> Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her,</div> <div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.</div> <div>The prince but gave them glances hard,</div> <div class="i1">No gracious word he said;</div> <div>He scratched their names from off his card,</div> <div class="i1">And wrote hers down instead:</div> <div>And where he would bestow his hand</div> <div class="i1">He showed them in a trice</div> <div>By handing her the kisses, and</div> <div class="i1">To each of them an ice!</div> <div>In sudden need of fire and fur</div> <div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.</div> </div> <div class="figleft"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-020a.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="324" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flright b"> <div>At ten o&#8217;clock, in discontent,</div> <div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.</div> <div>Their sister stayed till after two,</div> <div class="i1">And, with a joy sincere,</div> <div>The prince obtained her crystal shoe</div> <div class="i1">By way of souvenir.</div> <div class="o">&#8220;Upon the bridal path,&#8221; he cried,</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;We&#8217;ll reign together! Since</div> <div>I love you, you must be my bride!&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">(He was no slouch, that prince!)</div> <div>And into sudden languishment</div> <div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.</div> </div> <div class="verse flleft t b w"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: All the girls on earth</div> <div>Exaggerate their proper worth.</div> <div>They think the very shoes they wear</div> <div>Are worth the average millionaire;</div> <div>Whereas few pairs in any town</div> <div>Can be half-sold for half a crown!</div> </div> <div class="figright2" style="width: 100px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-020b.png" width-obs="100" height-obs="126" alt="" title="" /></div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_21" id="Page_21"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="eaten" id="eaten"></SPAN><em>How Little Red Riding Hood<br/>Came to be Eaten</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>Most worthy of praise</div> <div>Were the virtuous ways</div> <div class="i1">Of Little Red Riding Hood&#8217;s Ma,</div> <div>And no one was ever</div> <div>More cautious and clever</div> <div class="i1">Than Little Red Riding Hood&#8217;s Pa.</div> <div>They never misled,</div> <div>For they meant what they said,</div> <div class="i1">And would frequently say what they meant,</div> <div>And the way she should go</div> <div>They were careful to show,</div> <div class="i1">And the way that they showed her, she went.</div> </div> <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-021a.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="239" alt="MUCH OBLIGED" title="" /></div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-021b.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="234" alt="WOMANS RIGHTS, ROSIN" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft b w"> <div>For obedience she was effusively thanked,</div> </div> <div class="verse flright b w2"> <div class="right">And for anything else she was carefully spanked.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></SPAN></span>It thus isn&#8217;t strange</div> <div>That Red Riding Hood&#8217;s range</div> <div class="i1">Of virtues so steadily grew,</div> <div>That soon she won prizes</div> <div>Of different sizes,</div> <div class="i1">And golden encomiums, too!</div> <div>As a general rule</div> <div>She was head of her school,</div> <div class="i1">And at six was so notably smart</div> <div>That they gave her a cheque</div> <div>For reciting &#8220;The Wreck</div> <div class="i1">Of the Hesperus,&#8221; wholly by heart!</div> <div>And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,</div> <div>When I add that this money she gave to the poor.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>At eleven this lass</div> <div>Had a Sunday-school class,</div> <div class="i1">At twelve wrote a volume of verse,</div> <div>At thirteen was yearning</div> <div>For glory, and learning</div> <div class="i1">To be a professional nurse.</div> <div>To a glorious height</div> <div>The young paragon might</div> <div class="i1">Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,</div> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_23" id="Page_23"></SPAN></span>But the following year</div> <div>Struck her smiling career</div> <div class="i1">With a dull and a sickening thud!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-023.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="268" alt="1902 A. D." title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b t"> <div>(I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,</div> <div>And must copy my manuscript over again!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b t"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></SPAN></span> Not dreaming of harm,</div> <div>One day on her arm</div> <div class="i1">A basket she hung. It was filled</div> <div>With jellies, and ices,</div> <div>And gruel, and spices,</div> <div class="i1">And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,</div> <div>And a savory stew,</div> <div>And a novel or two</div> <div class="i1">She&#8217;d persuaded a neighbor to loan,</div> <div>And a hot-water can,</div> <div>And a Japanese fan,</div> <div class="i1">And a bottle of <em>eau-de-cologne</em>,</div> <div>And the rest of the things that your family fill</div> <div>Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>She expected to find</div> <div>Her decrepit but kind</div> <div class="i1">Old Grandmother waiting her call,</div> <div>But the visage that met her</div> <div>Completely upset her:</div> <div class="i1">It wasn&#8217;t familiar at all!</div> <div>With a whitening cheek</div> <div>She started to speak,</div> <div class="i1">But her peril she instantly saw:&#8212;</div> <div>Her Grandma had fled,</div> <div>And she&#8217;d tackled instead</div> <div class="i1">Four merciless Paws and a Maw!</div> <div>When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,</div> <div>He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood&#8217;s, too!)</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-025.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="699" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood,</div> <div>And proved by his actions to be robbin&#8217; Hood.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></SPAN></span> At this terrible tale</div> <div>Some readers will pale,</div> <div class="i1">And others with horror grow dumb,</div> <div>And yet it was better,</div> <div>I fear, he should get her:</div> <div class="i1">Just think what she might have become!</div> <div>For an infant so keen</div> <div>Might in future have been</div> <div class="i1">A woman of awful renown,</div> <div>Who carried on fights</div> <div>For her feminine rights</div> <div class="i1">As the Mare of an Arkansas town.</div> <div>She might have continued the crime of her &#8217;teens,</div> <div>And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-027.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="355" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter t w"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></SPAN></span><em>The Moral</em>: There&#8217;s nothing much glummer</div> <div class="i1">Than children whose talents appall:</div> <div>One much prefers those who are dumber,</div> <div class="i1">But as for the paragons small,</div> <div>If a swallow cannot make a summer</div> <div class="i1">It can bring on a summary fall!</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-028.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="253" alt="" title="" /></div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="true" id="true"></SPAN><em>How the Fatuous Wish of a<br/>Peasant Came True</em></h2> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>An excellent peasant,</div> <div>Of character pleasant,</div> <div class="i1">Once lived in a hut with his wife.</div> <div>He was cheerful and docile,</div> <div>But such an old fossil</div> <div class="i1">You wouldn&#8217;t meet twice in your life.</div> <div>His notions were all without reason or rhyme,</div> <div>Such dullness in any one else were a crime,</div> <div class="i1">But the folly pig-headed</div> <div>To which he was wedded</div> <div>Was so deep imbedded,</div> <div class="i3">it touched the sublime!</div> </div> <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-029.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="353" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flright"> <div>He frequently stated</div> <div>Such quite antiquated</div> <div class="i1">And singular doctrines as these:</div> <div><em>&#8220;Do good unto others!</em></div> <div><em>All men are your brothers!&#8221;</em></div> <div class="i1">(Of course he forgot the Chinese!)</div> <div>He said that all men were made equal and free,</div> <div>(That&#8217;s true if they&#8217;re born on <em>our</em> side of the sea!)</div> <div class="i1">That truth should be spoken,</div> <div>And pledges unbroken:</div> <div>(Now where, by that token,</div> <div class="i3">would most of us be?)</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-030.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="444" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>One day, as his pottage</div> <div>He ate in his cottage,</div> <div class="i1">A fairy stepped up to the door;</div> <div>Upon it she hammered,</div> <div>And meekly she stammered:</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;A morsel of food I implore.&#8221;</div> <div>He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two,</div> <div>And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through,</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;In return for these dishes</div> <div>Of bread and of fishes</div> <div>The first of your wishes</div> <div class="i3">I&#8217;ll make to come true!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_31" id="Page_31"></SPAN></span> That nincompoop peasant</div> <div>Accepted the present,</div> <div class="i1">(As most of us probably would,)</div> <div>And, thinking her bounty</div> <div>To turn to account, he</div> <div class="i1">Said: &#8220;<em>Now</em> I&#8217;ll do somebody good!</div> <div>I won&#8217;t ask a thing for myself or my wife,</div> <div>But I&#8217;ll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.</div> <div class="i1">Whate&#8217;er their conditions,</div> <div class="i1">Henceforward, physicians</div> <div class="i1">And indispositions</div> <div class="i3">they&#8217;re rid of for life!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-032.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="319" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></SPAN></span>These words energetic</div> <div>The fairy&#8217;s prophetic</div> <div class="i1">Announcement brought instantly true:</div> <div>With singular quickness</div> <div>Each victim of sickness</div> <div class="i1">Was made over, better than new,</div> <div>And people who formerly thought they were doomed</div> <div>With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed,</div> <div class="i1">And each had some platitude,</div> <div class="i1">Teeming with gratitude,</div> <div class="i1">For the new attitude</div> <div class="i3">life had assumed.</div> </div> <div class="figleft"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-033.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="191" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flright b"> <div>Our friend&#8217;s satisfaction</div> <div>Concerning his action</div> <div class="i1">Was keen, but exceedingly brief.</div> <div>The wrathful condition</div> <div>Of every physician</div> <div class="i1">In town was surpassing belief!</div> <div>Professional nurses were plunged in despair,</div> <div>And chemists shook passionate fists in the air:</div> <div class="i1">They called at his dwelling,</div> <div class="i1">With violence swelling,</div> <div class="i1">His greeting repelling</div> <div class="i3">with arrogant stare.</div> </div> <div class="verse flleft t b w"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></SPAN></span> They beat and they battered,</div> <div>They slammed and they shattered,</div> <div class="i1">And did him such serious harm,</div> <div>That, after their labors,</div> <div>His wife told the neighbors</div> <div class="i1">They&#8217;d caused her excessive alarm!</div> <div>They then set to work on his various ills,</div> <div>And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,</div> <div class="i1">And charged him so dearly</div> <div class="i1">That all of them nearly</div> <div class="i1">Made double the yearly</div> <div class="i3">amount of their bills.</div> </div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-034.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="226" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><em>This Moral</em> by the tale is taught:&#8212;</div> <div>The wish is father to the thought.</div> <div>(We&#8217;d oftentimes escape the worst</div> <div>If but the thinking part came first!)</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="onus" id="onus"></SPAN>How Hop O&#8217; My Thumb Got<br/>Rid of an Onus</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-035a.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="111" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft b"> <div>A worthy couple, man and wife,</div> <div>Dragged on a discontented life:</div> <div class="i1">The reason, I should state,</div> <div>That it was destitute of joys,</div> <div>Was that they had a dozen boys</div> <div class="i1">To feed and educate,</div> <div>And nothing such patience demands</div> <div>As having twelve boys on your hands!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-035b.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="265" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter t b w"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></SPAN></span> For twenty years they tried their best</div> <div>To keep those urchins neatly dressed</div> <div class="i1">And teach them to be good,</div> <div>But so much labor it involved</div> <div>That, in the end, they both resolved</div> <div class="i1">To lose them in a wood,</div> <div>Though nothing a parent annoys</div> <div>Like heartlessly losing his boys!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>So when their sons had gone to bed,</div> <div>Though bitter tears the couple shed,</div> <div class="i1">They laid their little plan.</div> <div>&#8220;<em>Faut b&#8217;en que &#231;a s&#8217;fasse. Quand m&#234;me</em>,&#8221;</div> <div>The woman said, &#8220;<em>J&#8217;en suis tout&#8217; bl&#232;me.</em>&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;<em>&#199;a colle!</em>&#8221; observed the man,</div> <div>&#8220;<em>Mais &#231;a coute, que ces gosses fichus!</em></div> <div><em>B&#8217;en, quoi! Faut qu&#8217;i&#8217;s soient perdus!</em>&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>(I&#8217;ve quite omitted to explain</div> <div>That they were natives of Touraine;</div> <div class="i1">I see I must translate.)</div> <div>&#8220;Of course it must be done, and still,&#8221;</div> <div>The wife remarked, &#8220;it makes me ill.&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;You bet!&#8221; replied her mate:</div> <div>&#8220;But we&#8217;ve both of us counted the cost,</div> <div>And the kids simply <em>have</em> to be lost!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-037a.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="376" alt="FRENCH SELF TAUGHT" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></SPAN></span> But, while they plotted, every word</div> <div>The youngest of the urchins heard,</div> <div class="i1">And winked the other eye;</div> <div>His height was only two feet three.</div> <div>(I might remark, in passing, he</div> <div class="i1">Was little, but O My!)</div> <div>He added: &#8220;I&#8217;d better keep mum.&#8221;</div> <div>(He was foxy, was Hop O&#8217; My Thumb!)</div> </div> <div class="figright t" style="width: 150px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-037b.png" width-obs="150" height-obs="144" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_38" id="Page_38"></SPAN></span> They took the boys into the wood,</div> <div>And lost them, as they said they should,</div> <div class="i1">And came in silence back.</div> <div>Alas for them! Hop O&#8217; My Thumb</div> <div>At every step had dropped a crumb,</div> <div class="i1">And so retraced the track.</div> <div>While the parents sat mourning their fate</div> <div>He led the boys in at the gate!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>He placed his hand upon his heart,</div> <div>And said: &#8220;You think you&#8217;re awful smart,</div> <div class="i1">But I have foiled you thus!&#8221;</div> <div>His parents humbly bent the knee,</div> <div>And meekly said: &#8220;H.&#160;O.&#160;M.&#160;T.,</div> <div class="i1">You&#8217;re one too much for us!&#8221;</div> <div>And both of them solemnly swore</div> <div class="o">&#8220;We won&#8217;t never do so no more!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="figright t b" style="width: 200px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-038.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="271" alt="FRENCH EASY" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft"> <div><em>The Moral</em> is: While I do not</div> <div>Endeavor to condone the plot,</div> <div class="i1">I still maintain that one</div> <div>Should have no chance of being foiled,</div> <div>And having one&#8217;s arrangements spoiled</div> <div class="i1">By one&#8217;s ingenious son.</div> <div>If you turn down your children, with pain,</div> <div>Take care they don&#8217;t turn up again!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="door" id="door"></SPAN>How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard<br/>Made Free with a Door</h2> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-039.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="422" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft"> <div>A maiden from the Bosphorus,</div> <div>With eyes as bright as phosphorus,</div> <div class="i1">Once wed the wealthy bailiff</div> <div class="i5">Of the caliph</div> <div class="i8">Of Kelat.</div> <div>Though diligent and zealous, he</div> <div>Became a slave to jealousy.</div> <div class="i1">(Considering her beauty,</div> <div class="i5">&#8217;Twas his duty</div> <div class="i8">To be that!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_40" id="Page_40"></SPAN></span> When business would necessitate</div> <div>A journey, he would hesitate,</div> <div class="i1">But, fearing to disgust her,</div> <div class="i5">He would trust her</div> <div class="i8">With his keys,</div> <div>Remarking to her prayerfully:</div> <div class="o">&#8220;I beg you&#8217;ll use them carefully.</div> <div class="i1">Don&#8217;t look what I deposit</div> <div class="i5">In that closet,</div> <div class="i8">If you please.&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>It may be mentioned, casually,</div> <div>That blue as lapis lazuli</div> <div class="i1">He dyed his hair, his lashes,</div> <div class="i5">His mustaches,</div> <div class="i8">And his beard.</div> <div>And, just because he did it, he</div> <div>Aroused his wife&#8217;s timidity:</div> <div class="i1">Her terror she dissembled,</div> <div class="i5">But she trembled</div> <div class="i8">When he neared.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-041.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="706" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat,</div> <div>Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!</div> </div> <div class="verse flleft b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_43" id="Page_43"></SPAN></span> This feeling insalubrious</div> <div>Soon made her most lugubrious,</div> <div class="i1">And bitterly she missed her</div> <div class="i5">Elder sister</div> <div class="i8">Marie Anne:</div> <div>She asked if she might write her to</div> <div>Come down and spend a night or two,</div> <div class="i1">Her husband answered rightly</div> <div class="i5">And politely:</div> <div class="i8">&#8220;Yes, you can!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>Blue-Beard, the Monday following,</div> <div>His jealous feeling swallowing,</div> <div class="i1">Packed all his clothes together</div> <div class="i5">In a leather-</div> <div class="i8">Bound valise,</div> <div>And, feigning reprehensibly,</div> <div>He started out, ostensibly</div> <div class="i1">By traveling to learn a</div> <div class="i5">Bit of Smyrna</div> <div class="i8">And of Greece.</div> </div> <div class="verse flleft"> <div>His wife made but a cursory</div> <div>Inspection of the nursery;</div> <div class="i1">The kitchen and the airy</div> <div class="i5">Little dairy</div> <div class="i8">Were a bore,</div> <div>As well as big or scanty rooms,</div> <div>And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms,</div> <div class="i1">But not that interdicted</div> <div class="i5">And restricted</div> <div class="i8">Little door!</div> </div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-043.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="267" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_44" id="Page_44"></SPAN></span>For, all her curiosity</div> <div>Awakened by the closet he</div> <div class="i1">So carefully had hidden,</div> <div class="i5">And forbidden</div> <div class="i8">Her to see,</div> <div>This damsel disobedient</div> <div>Did something inexpedient,</div> <div class="i1">And in the keyhole tiny</div> <div class="i5">Turned the shiny</div> <div class="i8">Little key:</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-044.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="350" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_45" id="Page_45"></SPAN></span>Then started back impulsively,</div> <div>And shrieked aloud convulsively&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">Three heads of girls he&#8217;d wedded</div> <div class="i5">And beheaded</div> <div class="i8">Met her eye!</div> <div>And turning round, much terrified,</div> <div>Her darkest fears were verified,</div> <div class="i1">For Blue-Beard stood behind her,</div> <div class="i5">Come to find her</div> <div class="i8">On the sly!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-045.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="282" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></SPAN></span>Perceiving she was fated to</div> <div>Be soon decapitated, too,</div> <div class="i1">She telegraphed her brothers</div> <div class="i5">And some others</div> <div class="i8">What she feared.</div> <div>And Sister Anne looked out for them,</div> <div>In readiness to shout for them</div> <div class="i1">Whenever in the distance</div> <div class="i5">With assistance</div> <div class="i8">They appeared.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>But only from her battlement</div> <div>She saw some dust that cattle meant.</div> <div class="i1">The ordinary story</div> <div class="i5">Isn&#8217;t gory,</div> <div class="i8">But a jest.</div> <div>But here&#8217;s the truth unqualified.</div> <div>The husband <em>wasn&#8217;t</em> mollified</div> <div class="i1">Her head is in his bloody</div> <div class="i5">Little study</div> <div class="i8">With the rest!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: Wives, we must allow,</div> <div>Who to their husbands will not bow,</div> <div>A stern and dreadful lesson learn</div> <div>When, as you&#8217;ve read, they&#8217;re cut in turn.</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="bonus" id="bonus"></SPAN>How Rumplestilz Held Out<br/>in Vain for a Bonus</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-047.png" width-obs="350" height-obs="427" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft"> <div>In Germany there lived an earl</div> <div class="i1">Who had a charming niece:</div> <div>And never gave the timid girl</div> <div class="i1">A single moment&#8217;s peace!</div> <div>Whatever low and menial task</div> <div class="i1">His fancy flitted through,</div> <div>He did not hesitate to ask</div> <div class="i1">That shrinking child to do.</div> <div>(I see with truly honest shame you</div> <div>Are blushing, and I do not blame you.</div> <div>A tale like this the feelings softens,</div> <div>And brings the tears, as does &#8220;Two Orphans.&#8221;)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_48" id="Page_48"></SPAN></span> She had to wash the windows, and</div> <div class="i1">She had to scrub the floors,</div> <div>She had to lend a willing hand</div> <div class="i1">To fifty other chores:</div> <div>She gave the dog his exercise,</div> <div class="i1">She read the earl the news,</div> <div>She ironed all his evening ties,</div> <div class="i1">And polished all his shoes,</div> <div>She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy,</div> <div>She cut the claws of the canary,</div> <div>And then, at night, with manner winsome,</div> <div>When coal was wanted, carried in some!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>But though these tasks were quite enough,</div> <div class="i1">He thought them all too few,</div> <div>And so her uncle, rude and rough,</div> <div class="i1">Invented something new.</div> <div>He took her to a little room,</div> <div class="i1">Her willingness to tax,</div> <div>And pointed out a broken loom</div> <div class="i1">And half a ton of flax,</div> <div>Observing: &#8220;Spin six pairs of trousers!&#8221;</div> <div>His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers.</div> <div>She met his scornful glances proudly&#8212;</div> <div>And for an answer whistled loudly!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-049.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="428" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></SPAN></span> But when the earl went down the stair</div> <div class="i1">She yielded to her fears.</div> <div>Gave way at last to grim despair,</div> <div class="i1">And melted into tears:</div> <div>When suddenly, from out the wall,</div> <div class="i1">As if he felt at home,</div> <div>There pounced a singularly small</div> <div class="i1">And much distorted gnome.</div> <div>He smiled a smile extremely vapid,</div> <div>And set to work in fashion rapid;</div> <div>No time for resting he deducted,</div> <div>And soon the trousers were constructed.</div> </div> <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-050.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="387" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flright t b"> <div>The girl observed: &#8220;How very nice</div> <div class="i1">To help me out this way!&#8221;</div> <div>The gnome replied: &#8220;A certain price</div> <div class="i1">Of course you&#8217;ll have to pay.</div> <div>I&#8217;ll call to-morrow afternoon,</div> <div class="i1">My due reward to claim,</div> <div>And then you&#8217;ll sing another tune</div> <div class="i1">Unless you guess my name!&#8221;</div> <div>He indicated with a gesture</div> <div>The pile of newly fashioned vesture:</div> <div>His eyes on hers a moment centered,</div> <div>And then he went, as he had entered.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-051.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="382" alt="GRIMM NAMES R-r-r-r-rumplestilz!" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></SPAN></span> As by this tale you have been grieved</div> <div class="i1">And heartily distressed,</div> <div>Kind sir, you will be much relieved</div> <div class="i1">To know his name she guessed:</div> <div>But if I do not tell the same,</div> <div class="i1">Pray count it not a crime:&#8212;</div> <div>I&#8217;ve tried my best, and for that name</div> <div class="i1">I can&#8217;t find any rhyme!</div> <div>Yet spare me from remarks injurious:</div> <div>I will not leave you foiled and furious.</div> <div>If something must proclaim the answer,</div> <div>And I cannot, the title can, sir!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></SPAN></span><em>The Moral</em> is: All said and done,</div> <div>There&#8217;s nothing new beneath the sun,</div> <div>And many times before, a title</div> <div>Was incapacity&#8217;s requital!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="sore" id="sore"></SPAN>How Jack Made the Giants<br/>Uncommonly Sore</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft"> <div>Of all the ill-fated</div> <div>Boys ever created</div> <div class="i1">Young Jack was the wretchedest lad:</div> <div>An emphatic, erratic,</div> <div>Dogmatic fanatic</div> <div class="i1">Was foisted upon him as dad!</div> <div>From the time he could walk,</div> <div>And before he could talk,</div> <div class="i1">His wearisome training began,</div> <div>On a highly barbarian,</div> <div>Disciplinarian,</div> <div>Nearly Tartarean</div> <div class="i4">Plan!</div> </div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-053.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="351" alt="THE REASON FOR REASON" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></SPAN></span>He taught him some Raleigh,</div> <div>And some of Macaulay,</div> <div class="i1">Till all of &#8220;Horatius&#8221; he knew,</div> <div>And the drastic, sarcastic,</div> <div>Fantastic, scholastic</div> <div class="i1">Philippics of &#8220;Junius,&#8221; too.</div> <div>He made him learn lots</div> <div>Of the poems of Watts,</div> <div class="i1">And frequently said he ignored,</div> <div>On principle, any son&#8217;s</div> <div>Title to benisons</div> <div>Till he&#8217;d learned Tennyson&#8217;s</div> <div class="i4">&#8220;Maud.&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div class="o">&#8220;For these are the giants</div> <div>Of thought and of science,&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">He said in his positive way:</div> <div class="o">&#8220;So weigh them, obey them,</div> <div>Display them, and lay them</div> <div class="i1">To heart in your infancy&#8217;s day!&#8221;</div> <div>Jack made no reply,</div> <div>But he said on the sly</div> <div class="i1">An eloquent word, that had come</div> <div>From a quite indefensible,</div> <div>Most reprehensible,</div> <div>But indispensable</div> <div class="i4">Chum.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></SPAN></span> By the time he was twenty</div> <div>Jack had such a plenty</div> <div class="i1">Of books and paternal advice,</div> <div>Though seedy and needy,</div> <div>Indeed he was greedy</div> <div class="i1">For vengeance, whatever the price!</div> <div>In the editor&#8217;s seat</div> <div>Of a critical sheet</div> <div class="i1">He found the revenge that he sought;</div> <div>And, with sterling appliance of</div> <div>Mind, wrote defiance of</div> <div>All of the giants of</div> <div class="i4">Thought.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>He&#8217;d thunder and grumble</div> <div>At high and at humble</div> <div class="i1">Until he became, in a while,</div> <div>Mordacious, pugnacious,</div> <div>Rapacious. Good gracious!</div> <div class="i1">They called him the Yankee Carlyle!</div> <div>But he never took rest</div> <div>On his quarrelsome quest</div> <div class="i1">Of the giants, both mighty and small.</div> <div>He slated, distorted them,</div> <div>Hanged them and quartered them,</div> <div>Till he had slaughtered them</div> <div class="i4">All.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></SPAN></span>And this is <em>The Moral</em> that lies in the verse:</div> <div>If you have a go farther, you&#8217;re apt to fare worse.</div> <div>(When you turn it around it is different rather:&#8212;</div> <div>You&#8217;re not apt to go worse if you have a fair father!)</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-056.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="239" alt="HORACE" title="" /></div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="rewarded" id="rewarded"></SPAN>How Rudeness and Kindness<br/>Were Justly Rewarded</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>Once on a time, long years ago</div> <div class="i1">(Just when I quite forget),</div> <div>Two maidens lived beside the Po,</div> <div class="i1">One blonde and one brunette.</div> <div>The blonde one&#8217;s character was mild,</div> <div>From morning until night she smiled,</div> <div>Whereas the one whose hair was brown</div> <div>Did little else than pine and frown.</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think one ought to draw the line</div> <div class="i1">At girls who always frown and pine!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>The blonde one learned to play the harp,</div> <div class="i1">Like all accomplished dames,</div> <div>And trained her voice to take <em>C</em> sharp</div> <div class="i1">As well as Emma Eames;</div> <div>Made baskets out of scented grass,</div> <div>And paper-weights of hammered brass,</div> <div>And lots of other odds and ends</div> <div>For gentleman and lady friends.</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think it takes a deal of sense</div> <div class="i1">To manufacture gifts for gents!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></SPAN></span> The dark one wore an air of gloom,</div> <div class="i1">Proclaimed the world a bore,</div> <div>And took her breakfast in her room</div> <div class="i1">Three mornings out of four.</div> <div>With crankiness she seemed imbued,</div> <div>And everything she said was rude:</div> <div>She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more,</div> <div>When very much provoked, she swore!</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think that I could never care</div> <div class="i1">For any girl who&#8217;d learned to swear!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>One day the blonde was striding past</div> <div class="i1">A forest, all alone,</div> <div>When all at once her eyes she cast</div> <div class="i1">Upon a wrinkled crone,</div> <div>Who tottered near with shaking knees,</div> <div>And said: &#8220;A penny, if you please!&#8221;</div> <div>And you will learn with some surprise</div> <div>This was a fairy in disguise!</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think it must be hard to know</div> <div class="i1">A fairy who&#8217;s incognito!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></SPAN></span> The maiden filled her trembling palms</div> <div class="i1">With coinage of the realm.</div> <div>The fairy said: &#8220;Take back your alms!</div> <div class="i1">My heart they overwhelm.</div> <div>Henceforth at every word shall slip</div> <div>A pearl or ruby from your lip!&#8221;</div> <div>And, when the girl got home that night,&#8212;</div> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></SPAN></span> She found the fairy&#8217;s words were right!</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think there are not many girls</div> <div class="i1">Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!)</div> </div> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-060.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="433" alt="THE PO SISTERS PEARLIE &#38; TOADIE" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></SPAN></span> It happened that the cross brunette,</div> <div class="i1">Ten minutes later, came</div> <div>Along the self-same road, and met</div> <div class="i1">That bent and wrinkled dame,</div> <div>Who asked her humbly for a sou.</div> <div>The girl replied: &#8220;Get out with you!&#8221;</div> <div>The fairy cried: &#8220;Each word you drop,</div> <div>A toad from out your mouth shall hop!&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think that nothing incommodes</div> <div class="i1">One&#8217;s speech like uninvited toads!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>And so it was, the cheerful blonde</div> <div class="i1">Lived on in joy and bliss,</div> <div>And grew pecunious, beyond</div> <div class="i1">The dreams of avarice!</div> <div>And to a nice young man was wed,</div> <div>And I have often heard it said</div> <div>No other man who ever walked</div> <div>Most loved his wife when most she talked!</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think this very fact, forsooth,</div> <div class="i1">Goes far to prove I tell the truth!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></SPAN></span> The cross brunette the fairy&#8217;s joke</div> <div class="i1">By hook or crook survived,</div> <div>But still at every word she spoke</div> <div class="i1">An ugly toad arrived,</div> <div>Until at last she had to come</div> <div>To feigning she was wholly dumb,</div> <div>Whereat the suitors swarmed around,</div> <div>And soon a wealthy mate she found.</div> <div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think nobody ever knew</div> <div class="i1">The happier husband of the two!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><em>The Moral</em> of the tale is: Bah!</div> <div><em>Nous avons chang&#233; tout cel&#224;.</em></div> <div>No clear idea I hope to strike</div> <div>Of what <em>your</em> nicest girl is like,</div> <div>But she whose best young man <em>I</em> am</div> <div>Is not an oyster, nor a clam!<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_63" id="Page_63"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-063.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="497" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,</div> <div>Would mark the toad maybe, but ne&#8217;er toed the mark.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="beast" id="beast"></SPAN>How Beauty Contrived to Get<br/>Square with the Beast</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>Miss Guinevere Platt</div> <div>Was so beautiful that</div> <div class="i1">She couldn&#8217;t remember the day</div> <div>When one of her swains</div> <div>Hadn&#8217;t taken the pains</div> <div class="i1">To send her a mammoth bouquet.</div> <div>And the postman had found,</div> <div>On the whole of his round,</div> <div class="i1">That no one received such a lot</div> <div>Of bulky epistles</div> <div>As, waiting his whistles,</div> <div class="i1">The beautiful Guinevere got!</div> </div> <div class="figright"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-066.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="420" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 t4 b"> <div>A significant sign</div> <div>That her charm was divine</div> <div class="i1">Was seen in society, when</div> <div>The chaperons sniffed</div> <div>With their eyebrows alift:</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;Whatever&#8217;s got into the men?&#8221;</div> <div>There was always a man</div> <div>Who was holding her fan,</div> <div class="i1">And twenty that danced in details,</div> <div>And a couple of mourners,</div> <div>Who brooded in corners,</div> <div class="i1">And gnawed their mustaches and nails.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></SPAN></span>John Jeremy Platt</div> <div>Wouldn&#8217;t stay in the flat,</div> <div class="i1">For his beautiful daughter he missed:</div> <div>When he&#8217;d taken his tub,</div> <div>He would hie to his club,</div> <div class="i1">And dally with poker or whist.</div> <div>At the end of a year</div> <div>It was perfectly clear</div> <div class="i1">That he&#8217;d never computed the cost,</div> <div>For he hadn&#8217;t a penny</div> <div>To settle the many</div> <div class="i1">Ten thousands of dollars he&#8217;d lost!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>F. Ferdinand Fife</div> <div>Was a student of life:</div> <div class="i1">He was coarse, and excessively fat,</div> <div>With a beard like a goat&#8217;s,</div> <div>But he held all the notes</div> <div class="i1">Of ruined John Jeremy Platt!</div> <div>With an adamant smile</div> <div>That was brimming with guile,</div> <div class="i1">He said: &#8220;I am took with the face</div> <div>Of your beautiful daughter,</div> <div>And wed me she ought ter,</div> <div class="i1">To save you from utter disgrace!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></SPAN></span>Miss Guinevere Platt</div> <div>Didn&#8217;t hesitate at</div> <div class="i1">Her duty&#8217;s imperative call.</div> <div>When they looked at the bride</div> <div>All the chaperons cried:</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;She isn&#8217;t so bad, after all!&#8221;</div> <div>Of the desolate men</div> <div>There were something like ten</div> <div class="i1">Who took up political lives,</div> <div>And the flower of the flock</div> <div>Went and fell off a dock,</div> <div class="i1">And the rest married hideous wives!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-068.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="358" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></SPAN></span>But the beautiful wife</div> <div>Of F. Ferdinand Fife</div> <div class="i1">Was the wildest that ever was known:</div> <div>She&#8217;d grumble and glare,</div> <div>Till the man didn&#8217;t dare</div> <div class="i1">To say that his soul was his own.</div> <div>She sneered at his ills,</div> <div>And quadrupled his bills,</div> <div class="i1">And spent nearly twice what he earned;</div> <div>Her husband deserted,</div> <div>And frivoled, and flirted,</div> <div class="i1">Till Ferdinand&#8217;s reason was turned.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-069.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="286" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></SPAN></span>He repented too late,</div> <div>And his terrible fate</div> <div class="i1">Upon him so heavily sat,</div> <div>That he swore at the day</div> <div>When he sat down to play</div> <div class="i1">At cards with John Jeremy Platt.</div> <div>He was dead in a year,</div> <div>And the fair Guinevere</div> <div class="i1">In society sparkled again,</div> <div>While the chaperons fluttered</div> <div>Their fans, as they muttered:</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;She&#8217;s getting exceedingly plain!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: Predicaments often are found</div> <div>That beautiful duty is apt to get round:</div> <div>But greedy extortioners better beware</div> <div>For dutiful beauty is apt to get square!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_71" id="Page_71"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-071.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="704" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows how at poker one loses his pelf</div> <div>When the other&#8217;s a joker and knave in himself.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="accorded" id="accorded"></SPAN>How a Fair One no Hope to<br/>His Highness Accorded</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>She has slid down the channels</div> <div>Of history&#8217;s annals</div> <div class="i1">Disguised as the child of a king,</div> <div>But that is a glib</div> <div>And iniquitous fib,</div> <div class="i1">For she never was any such thing:</div> <div>They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,</div> <div>And it&#8217;s true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,</div> <div>But the rest is ironic;</div> <div>Her business chronic</div> <div>Was selling hair-tonic</div> <div class="i6">By bottle and box!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>From the dawn till the gloaming</div> <div>She used to sit combing</div> <div class="i1">Her hair in a languorous way.</div> <div>And her suitors would stop</div> <div>To look into the shop,</div> <div class="i1">And stand there the rest of the day.</div> <div>She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,</div> <div>For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where</div> <div>They stood about, crushing</div> <div>Each other, and blushing:</div> <div>She simply kept brushing</div> <div class="i6">Her beautiful hair.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_74" id="Page_74"></SPAN></span> But a prince who was passing,</div> <div>Engaged in amassing</div> <div class="i1">Some facts on American life,</div> <div>Was suddenly struck</div> <div>By the fact that his luck</div> <div class="i1">Might give him that girl for a wife!</div> <div>His rashness he didn&#8217;t attempt to excuse,</div> <div>He entered the shop and he stated his views.</div> <div>Remarking,</div> <div class="i5">&#8220;My jewel,</div> <div>I&#8217;m confident you will</div> <div>Not wish to be cruel</div> <div class="i6">Enough to refuse.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-074.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="252" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></SPAN></span> &#8220;Most winsome of creatures,&#8221;</div> <div>He told her, &#8220;your features</div> <div class="i1">Have led me to candidly say</div> <div>That no other beside</div> <div>Would I have for a bride:</div> <div class="i1">We&#8217;ll be married a week from to-day!</div> <div>I belong to a long and a titled line,</div> <div>And the least of your wishes I won&#8217;t decline;</div> <div>Next month I will usher</div> <div>My wife into Russia:&#8212;</div> <div>Sweet comber and brusher,</div> <div class="i6">Consider you&#8217;re mine!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>She looked at him squarely,</div> <div>Considered him fairly,</div> <div class="i1">Her glance was as keen as a knife,</div> <div>Then she turned up her nose,</div> <div>And, with icy repose,</div> <div class="i1">She answered: &#8220;Well, not on your life!</div> <div>You&#8217;re not on the paper the only blot!</div> <div>Do you think I come twelve in a parcel&#8212;what?</div> <div><em>Me</em> pose as your dearie?</div> <div>Oh, go and chase Peary!</div> <div>You&#8217;re making me weary.</div> <div class="i6">Now git!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div class="center"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></SPAN></span>(He got!)</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-077.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="753" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows how, with never a shadow of doubt,</div> <div>When you go in for love you are apt to come out.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_78" id="Page_78"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></SPAN></span> The crowd that had waited</div> <div>Outside was elated</div> <div class="i1">So much by the prince&#8217;s mischance,</div> <div>That they greeted with jeers</div> <div>And ironical cheers,</div> <div class="i1">The end of his little romance.</div> <div>They said: &#8220;Did it hurt when the ground you hit?&#8221;</div> <div>They searched for some mark where the prince had lit,</div> <div>And as he looked colder,</div> <div>They only grew bolder,</div> <div>And tapped on his shoulder</div> <div class="i6">With: &#8220;Tag! You&#8217;re It!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>The lengthy discussion</div> <div>That sensitive Russian</div> <div class="i1">Compiled on the U. S. A.</div> <div>Was read by the maid,</div> <div>As she carelessly played</div> <div class="i1">With her beautiful hair one day.</div> <div>&#8220;The talk you hear in that primitive land,&#8221;</div> <div>He wrote, &#8220;nobody can understand.&#8221;</div> <div>&#8220;Somebody who guffed him,&#8221;</div> <div>She said, &#8220;has stuffed him,</div> <div>And easily bluffed him</div> <div class="i6">To beat the band!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></SPAN></span><em>The Moral</em>: The people across the brine</div> <div>Are exceedingly strong on Auld Lang Syne,</div> <div>But they&#8217;re lost in the push when they strike a gang</div> <div>That is strong on American new line slang!</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 200px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-080.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="276" alt="SLANG" title="" /></div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_81" id="Page_81"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="released" id="released"></SPAN>How Thomas a Maid from<br/>a Dragon Released</h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>Though Philip the Second</div> <div>Of France was reckoned</div> <div class="i1">No coward, his breath came short</div> <div>When they told him a dragon</div> <div>As big as a wagon</div> <div class="i1">Was waiting below in the court!</div> <div>A dragon so long, and so wide, and so fat,</div> <div>That he couldn&#8217;t get in at the door to chat:</div> <div>The king couldn&#8217;t leave him</div> <div>Outside and grieve him,</div> <div>He had to receive him</div> <div class="i6">Upon the mat,</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 400px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-081.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="210" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_82" id="Page_82"></SPAN></span>The dragon bowed nicely,</div> <div>And very concisely</div> <div class="i1">He stated the reason he&#8217;d called:</div> <div>He made the disclosure</div> <div>With frigid composure.</div> <div class="i1">King Philip was simply appalled!</div> <div>He demanded for eating, a fortnight apart,</div> <div>The monarch&#8217;s ten daughters, all dear to his heart.</div> <div>&#8220;And now you&#8217;ll produce,&#8221; he</div> <div>Concluded, &#8220;the juicy</div> <div>And succulent Lucie</div> <div class="i6">By way of start!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>King Philip was pliant,</div> <div>And far from defiant</div> <div class="i1">&#8212;&#8220;And servile,&#8221; no doubt you retort!&#8212;</div> <div>But if <em>you</em> struck a snag on</div> <div>A bottle-green dragon,</div> <div class="i1">Who filled up two-thirds of your court,</div> <div>And curled up his tail on your new tin roof,</div> <div>And made your piazza groan under his hoof,</div> <div>Would you threaten and thunder,</div> <div>Or just knuckle under</div> <div>Completely, I wonder,</div> <div class="i6">If put to proof?</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-083.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="327" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div>By way of a truce, he</div> <div>Brought out little Lucie</div> <div class="i1">And watched her conducted away,</div> <div>But all of the others</div> <div>Were out with their brothers!</div> <div class="i1">Thus gaining a little delay,</div> <div>He promised through heralds sent west and east,</div> <div>His crown, and his kingdom, and last, not least,</div> <div>His daughter so sightly</div> <div>To any one knightly</div> <div>Who&#8217;d come and politely</div> <div class="i6">Wipe out that beast!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></SPAN></span>For love of the charmer,</div> <div>Arrayed in his armor,</div> <div class="i1">Each suitor for glory who yearned,</div> <div>Would gallantly hasten,</div> <div>The dragon to chasten,</div> <div class="i1">But none of them ever returned!</div> <div>When the dragon had eaten some sixteen score</div> <div>He hung up this sign on his cavern door,</div> <div>Whereat he lay pronely</div> <div>In majesty lonely:</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b bbox"> <div><em>There&#8217;s Standing Room Only</em></div> <div class="i6"><em>For Three Knights More!</em></div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>A slim adolescent,</div> <div>His beard only crescent,</div> <div class="i1">Rode up at this stage of the game</div> <div>To where the old sinner</div> <div>Lay gorged with his dinner,</div> <div class="i1">And breathing out torrents of flame.</div> <div>He gathered a tip from the flaunting sign,</div> <div>And took his position the fourth in line,</div> <div>Until, as foreboded,</div> <div>By food incommoded,</div> <div>The dragon exploded</div> <div class="i6">At half-past nine.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-085.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="776" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows how a servant may laugh at the Fates,</div> <div>Since everything comes to the fellow who waits.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></SPAN></span> The king was delighted</div> <div>At first when he sighted</div> <div class="i1">The victor, but then in dismay</div> <div>Regretted his promise.</div> <div>The stripling was Thomas,</div> <div class="i1">His Majesty&#8217;s <em>valet-de-pied</em>!</div> <div>He asked him at once: &#8220;Will you compromise?&#8221;</div> <div>But Thomas looked straight in his master&#8217;s eyes,</div> <div>And answered severely:</div> <div>&#8220;I see your game clearly,</div> <div>And scorn it sincerely.</div> <div class="i6">Hand out the prize!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>Not long did he linger</div> <div>Before on the finger</div> <div class="i1">Of Lucie he fitted a ring:</div> <div>A month or two later</div> <div>They made him dictator,</div> <div class="i1">In place of the elderly king:</div> <div>He was lauded by pulpit, and boomed by press,</div> <div>And no one had ever a chance to guess,</div> <div>Beholding this hero</div> <div>Who ruled like a Nero,</div> <div>His valor was zero,</div> <div class="i6">Or something less.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><em>The Moral:</em> And still from Nice to Calais</div> <div>Discretion&#8217;s the better part of&#8212;</div> <div class="center"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></SPAN></span>&#8212;<em>valets!</em></div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_89" id="Page_89"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="suited" id="suited"></SPAN><em>How a Beauty was Waked<br/>and Her Suitor was Suited</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div>Albeit wholly penniless,</div> <div>Prince Charming wasn&#8217;t any less</div> <div class="i1">Conceited than a Croesus or a modern millionaire:</div> <div>Though often in necessity,</div> <div>No one would ever guess it. He</div> <div class="i1">Was candidly insolvent, and he frankly didn&#8217;t care!</div> <div>Of the many debts he made</div> <div>Not a one was ever paid,</div> <div class="i1">But no one ever pressed him to refund the borrowed gold:</div> <div>While he recklessly kept spending,</div> <div>People gladly kept on lending,</div> <div class="i1">For the fact they knew a title</div> <div class="i7">Was requital</div> <div class="i8">Twenty-fold!</div> <div class="i3">(He lived in sixteen sixty-three,</div> <div class="i4">This smooth unblushing article,</div> <div class="i3">Since when, as far as I can see,</div> <div class="i4">Men haven&#8217;t changed a particle!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_90" id="Page_90"></SPAN></span>In Charming&#8217;s principality</div> <div>There was a wild locality,</div> <div class="i1">Composed of sombre forest, and of steep and frowning crags,</div> <div>Of pheasant and of rabbit, too;</div> <div>And here it was his habit to</div> <div class="i1">Go hunting with his courtiers in the keen pursuit of stags.</div> <div>But the charger that he rode</div> <div>So mercurially strode</div> <div class="i1">That the prince on one occasion left the others in the lurch,</div> <div>And the falling darkness found him,</div> <div>With no vassals left around him,</div> <div class="i1">Near a building like an abbey,</div> <div class="i7">Or a shabby</div> <div class="i8">Ruined church.</div> <div>His Highness said: &#8220;I&#8217;ll ring the bell</div> <div class="i1">And stay till morning in it!&#8221; (He</div> <div>Took Hobson&#8217;s choice, for no hotel</div> <div class="i1">There was in the vicinity.)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></SPAN></span>His ringing was so vehement</div> <div>That any one could see he meant</div> <div class="i1">To suffer no refusal, but, in spite of all the din,</div> <div>There was no answer audible,</div> <div>And so, with courage laudable,</div> <div class="i1">His Royal Highness turned the knob, and stoutly entered in.</div> <div>Then he strode across the court,</div> <div>But he suddenly stopped short</div> <div class="i1">When he passed within the castle by a massive oaken door:</div> <div>There were courtiers without number,</div> <div>But they all were plunged in slumber,</div> <div class="i1">The prince&#8217;s ear delighting</div> <div class="i7">By uniting</div> <div class="i8">In a snore.</div> <div>The prince remarked: &#8220;This must be Philadelphia, Pennsylvania!&#8221;</div> <div>(And so was born the jest that&#8217;s still</div> <div class="i1">The comic journal&#8217;s mania!)</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-093.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="599" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows how the prince won the princess&#8217;s heart,</div> <div>And the end of her sleeping was simply a start.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_92" id="Page_92"></SPAN></span>With torpor reprehensible,</div> <div>Numb, comatose, insensible,</div> <div class="i1">The flunkeys and the chamberlains all slumbered like the dead,</div> <div>And snored so loud and mournfully,</div> <div>That Charming passed them scornfully</div> <div class="i1">And came to where a princess lay asleep upon a bed.</div> <div>She was so extremely fair</div> <div>That His Highness didn&#8217;t care</div> <div class="i1">For the risk, and so he kissed her ere a single word he spoke:&#8212;</div> <div>In a jiffy maids and pages,</div> <div>Ushers, lackeys, squires, and sages,</div> <div class="i1">As fresh as if they&#8217;d been at least</div> <div class="i7">A week awake,<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-095a.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="176" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w3"> <div class="i7">Awoke,</div> <div>And hastened, bustled, dashed and ran</div> <div class="i1">Up stairways and through galleries:</div> <div>In brief, they one and all began</div> <div class="i1">Again to earn their salaries!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_95" id="Page_95"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-095b.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="452" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></SPAN></span>Aroused from her paralysis,</div> <div>As if in deep analysis</div> <div class="i1">Of him who had awakened her, the princess met his eye:</div> <div>Her glance at first was critical,</div> <div>And sternly analytical.</div> <div class="i1">And then she dropped her lashes and she gave a little sigh.</div> <div>As he watched her, wholly dumb,</div> <div>She observed: &#8220;You doubtless come</div> <div class="i1">For one of two good reasons, and I&#8217;m going to ask you which.</div> <div>Do you mean my house to harry, Or do you propose to marry?&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">He answered: &#8220;I may rue it,</div> <div class="i7">But I&#8217;ll do it,</div> <div class="i8">If you&#8217;re rich!&#8221;</div> <div>The princess murmured with a smile:</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;I&#8217;ve millions, at the least, to come!&#8221;</div> <div>The prince cried: &#8220;Please excuse me, while</div> <div class="i1">I go and get the priest to come!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: When affairs go ill</div> <div>The sleeping partner foots the bill.</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="chap" id="chap"></SPAN><em>How Jack Found that Beans<br/>May go Back on a Chap</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div>Without the slightest basis</div> <div>For hypochondriasis</div> <div class="i1">A widow had forebodings which a cloud around her flung,</div> <div>And with expression cynical</div> <div>For half the day a clinical</div> <div class="i1">Thermometer she held beneath her tongue.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div>Whene&#8217;er she read the papers</div> <div>She suffered from the vapors,</div> <div class="i1">At every tale of malady or accident she&#8217;d groan;</div> <div>In every new and smart disease,</div> <div>From housemaid&#8217;s knee to heart disease,</div> <div class="i1">She recognized the symptoms as her own!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div>She had a yearning chronic</div> <div>To try each novel tonic,</div> <div class="i1">Elixir, panacea, lotion, opiate, and balm;</div> <div>And from a hom&#339;opathist</div> <div>Would change to an hydropathist,</div> <div class="i1">And back again, with stupefying calm!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-098.png" width-obs="600" height-obs="398" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 t b"> <div>The closets of her villa</div> <div>Were full of sarsaparilla,</div> <div class="i1">Ammonia, digitalis, bronchial troches, soda mint.</div> <div>Restoratives hirsutical,</div> <div>And soaps to clean the cuticle,</div> <div class="i1">And iodine, and peptonoids, and lint.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div>She was nervous, cataleptic,</div> <div>And anemic, and dyspeptic:</div> <div class="i1">Though not convinced of apoplexy, yet she had her fears.</div> <div>She dwelt with force fanatical</div> <div>Upon a twinge rheumatical,</div> <div class="i1">And said she had a buzzing in her ears!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_99" id="Page_99"></SPAN></span>Now all of this bemoaning And this grumbling and this groaning</div> <div class="i1">The mind of Jack, her son and heir, unconscionably bored.</div> <div>His heart completely hardening, He gave his time to gardening,</div> <div class="i1">For raising beans was something he adored.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-099.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="395" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_100" id="Page_100"></SPAN></span> Each hour in accents morbid</div> <div>This limp maternal bore bid</div> <div class="i1">Her callous son affectionate and lachrymose good-bys.</div> <div>She never granted Jack a day</div> <div>Without some long &#8220;Alackaday!&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">Accompanied by rolling of the eyes.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div>But Jack, no panic showing,</div> <div>Just watched his beanstalk growing,</div> <div class="i1">And twined with tender fingers the tendrils up the pole.</div> <div>At all her words funereal</div> <div>He smiled a smile ethereal,</div> <div class="i1">Or sighed an absent-minded &#8220;Bless my soul!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_101" id="Page_101"></SPAN></span>That hollow-hearted creature</div> <div>Would never change a feature:</div> <div class="i1">No tear bedimmed his eye, however touching was her talk.</div> <div>She never fussed or flurried him,</div> <div>The only thing that worried him</div> <div class="i1">Was when no bean-pods grew upon the stalk!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> <div>But then he wabbled loosely His head, and wept profusely,</div> <div class="i1">And, taking out his handkerchief to mop away his tears,</div> <div>Exclaimed: &#8220;It hasn&#8217;t got any!&#8221;</div> <div>He found this blow to botany</div> <div class="i1">Was sadder than were all his mother&#8217;s fears.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></SPAN></span><em>The Moral</em> is that gardeners pine</div> <div>Whene&#8217;er no pods adorn the vine.</div> <div>Of all sad words experience gleans</div> <div>The saddest are: &#8220;It <em>might</em> have beans.&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">(I did not make this up myself:</div> <div class="i1">&#8217;Twas in a book upon my shelf.</div> <div class="i1">It&#8217;s witty, but I don&#8217;t deny</div> <div class="i1">It&#8217;s rather Whittier than I!)</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-102.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="287" alt="It might have beans!" title="" /></div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="booted" id="booted"></SPAN><em>How a Cat Was Annoyed and<br/>a Poet Was Booted</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft"> <div>A poet had a cat.</div> <div>There is nothing odd in that&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> make a little pun about the <em>Mews</em>!)</div> <div>But what is really more</div> <div>Remarkable, she wore</div> <div class="i1">A pair of pointed patent-leather shoes.</div> <div class="i2">And I doubt me greatly whether</div> <div class="i3">E&#8217;er you heard the like of that:</div> <div class="i2">Pointed shoes of patent-leather</div> <div class="i8">On a cat!</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 200px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-103.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="159" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>His time he used to pass</div> <div>Writing sonnets, on the grass&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say something good on <em>pen</em> and <em>sward</em>!)</div> <div>While the cat sat near at hand,</div> <div>Trying hard to understand</div> <div class="i1">The poems he occasionally roared.</div> <div class="i2">(I myself possess a feline,</div> <div class="i3">But when poetry I roar</div> <div class="i2">He is sure to make a bee-line</div> <div class="i8">For the door.)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></SPAN></span>The poet, cent by cent,</div> <div>All his patrimony spent&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> tell how he went from <em>werse</em> to <em>werse</em>!)</div> <div>Till the cat was sure she could,</div> <div>By advising, do him good</div> <div class="i1">So addressed him in a manner that was terse:</div> <div class="i2o">&#8220;We are bound toward the scuppers,</div> <div class="i3">And the time has come to act,</div> <div class="i2">Or we&#8217;ll both be on our uppers</div> <div class="i8">For a fact!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>On her boot she fixed her eye,</div> <div>But the boot made no reply&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say: &#8220;Couldn&#8217;t speak to save <em>its sole</em>!&#8221;)</div> <div>And the foolish bard, instead</div> <div>Of responding, only read</div> <div class="i1">A verse that wasn&#8217;t bad upon the whole:</div> <div class="i2">And it pleased the cat so greatly,</div> <div class="i3">Though she knew not what it meant,</div> <div class="i2">That I&#8217;ll quote approximately</div> <div class="i8">How it went:&#8212;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div class="o">&#8220;If I should live to be</div> <div>The last leaf upon the tree&#8221;&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> put in: &#8220;I think I&#8217;d just as <em>leaf</em>!&#8221;)</div> <div class="o">&#8220;Let them smile, as I do now,</div> <div>At the old forsaken bough&#8221;&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">Well, he&#8217;d plagiarized it bodily, in brief!</div> <div class="i2">But that cat of simple breeding</div> <div class="i3">Couldn&#8217;t read the lines between,</div> <div class="i2">So she took it to a leading</div> <div class="i8">Magazine.</div> </div> <div class="figleft"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-105a.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="191" alt="EDITOR" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2"> <div>She was jarred and very sore</div> <div>When they showed her to the door.</div> <div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> hit off the <em>door</em> that was <em>a jar</em>!)</div> <div>To the spot she swift returned</div> <div>Where the poet sighed and yearned,</div> <div class="i1">And she told him that he&#8217;d gone a little far.</div> <div class="i2o">&#8220;Your performance with this rhyme has</div> <div class="i3">Made me absolutely sick,&#8221;</div> <div class="i2">She remarked. &#8220;I think the time has</div> <div class="i8">Come to kick!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-105b.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="150" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></SPAN></span> I could fill up half the page</div> <div>With descriptions of her rage&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say that she went a bit <em>too fur</em>!)</div> <div>When he smiled and murmured: &#8220;Shoo!&#8221;</div> <div class="o">&#8220;There is one thing I can do!&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">She answered with a wrathful kind of purr.</div> <div class="i2o">&#8220;You may shoo me, and it suit you,</div> <div class="i3">But I feel my conscience bid</div> <div class="i2">Me, as tit for tat, to boot you!&#8221;</div> <div class="i8">(Which she did.)</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-106.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="222" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><em>The Moral</em> of the plot</div> <div>(Though I say it, as should not!)</div> <div class="i1">Is: An editor is difficult to suit.</div> <div>But again there&#8217;re other times</div> <div>When the man who fashions rhymes</div> <div class="i1">Is a rascal, and a bully one to boot!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_107" id="Page_107"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="cap" id="cap"></SPAN><em>How Much Fortunatus Could<br/>Do with a Cap</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>Fortunatus, a fisherman Dane,</div> <div>Set out on a sudden for Spain,</div> <div class="i1">Because, runs the story,</div> <div class="i1">He&#8217;d met with a hoary</div> <div class="i3">Mysterious sorcerer chap,</div> <div class="i1">Who, trouble to save him,</div> <div class="i1">Most thoughtfully gave him</div> <div class="i3">A magical traveling cap.</div> <div>I barely believe that the story is true,</div> <div>But here&#8217;s what that cap was reported to do.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-108.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="345" alt="MON DIEU!" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> <div>Suppose you were sitting at home,</div> <div>And you wished to see Paris or Rome,</div> <div class="i1">You&#8217;d pick up that bonnet,</div> <div class="i1">You&#8217;d carefully don it,</div> <div class="i3">The name of the city you&#8217;d call,</div> <div class="i1">And the very next minute</div> <div class="i1">By Jove, you were in it,</div> <div class="i3">Without having started at all!</div> <div>One moment you sauntered on upper Broadway,</div> <div>And the next on the Corso or rue de la Paix!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-109.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="580" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows Fortunatus, a restlessness feeling,</div> <div>Forsaking his fishing, and leaving his ceiling.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></SPAN></span> Why, it beat every journey of Cook&#8217;s,</div> <div>Knocked spots out of Baedeker&#8217;s books!</div> <div class="i1">He stepped from his doorway</div> <div class="i1">Direct into Norway,</div> <div class="i3">He hopped in a trice to Ceylon,</div> <div class="i1">He saw Madagascar,</div> <div class="i1">Went round by Alaska,</div> <div class="i3">And called on a girl in Luzon:</div> <div>If they said she&#8217;d be down in a moment or two,</div> <div>He took, while he waited, a peek at Peru!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>He could wake up at eight in Siam,</div> <div>Take his tub, if he wanted, in Guam.</div> <div class="i1">Eat breakfast in Kansas,</div> <div class="i1">And lunch in Matanzas,</div> <div class="i3">Go out for a walk in Brazil,</div> <div class="i1">Take tea in Madeira,</div> <div class="i1">Dine on the Riviera,</div> <div class="i3"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_112" id="Page_112"></SPAN></span> And smoke his cigar in Seville,</div> <div>Go out to the theatre in Vladivostok,</div> <div>And retire in New York at eleven o&#8217;clock!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_113" id="Page_113"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-112.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="467" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> <div>Every tongue he could readily speak:</div> <div>French, German, Italian, Greek,</div> <div class="i1">Norwegian, Bulgarian,</div> <div class="i1">Turkish, Bavarian,</div> <div class="i3">Japanese, Hindustanee,</div> <div class="i1">Russian and Mexican!</div> <div class="i1">He was a lexicon,</div> <div class="i3">Such as you seldom will see.</div> <div>His knowledge linguistic gave Ollendorff fits,</div> <div>And brought a hot flush to the face of Berlitz!</div> </div> <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-113.png" width-obs="200" height-obs="149" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft b"> <div>He would bow in an intimate way</div> <div>To Menelik and to Loubet,</div> <div class="i1">He was frequently beckoned,</div> <div class="i1">By William the Second,</div> <div class="i3">A word of advice to receive,</div> <div class="i1">He talked with bravado</div> <div class="i1">About the Mikado,</div> <div class="i3">King Oscar, Oom Paul, the Khedive,</div> <div>King Victor Emmanuel Second, the Shah,</div> <div>King Edward the Seventh, Kwang Su, and the Czar!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></SPAN></span> But what did he get from it all?</div> <div>His wife used to wait in the hall!</div> <div class="i1">When this wandering mortal</div> <div class="i1">Set foot on the portal,</div> <div class="i3">She always appeared on the scene,</div> <div class="i1">And, far from ideally,</div> <div class="i1">Remarked: &#8220;Well, I <em>really</em></div> <div class="i3">Would like to know where you have been!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-114.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="278" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flleft t"> <div>Now what is the good of a wandering life,</div> <div>If you have to tell all that you do to your wife?</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>She&#8217;d indulge in a copious cry,</div> <div>She&#8217;d remark she&#8217;d undoubtedly die,</div> <div class="i1">Or, like many another,</div> <div class="i1">Go back to her mother,</div> <div class="i3">And what would the world think of <em>that</em>?</div> <div class="i1">She only grew pleasant,</div> <div class="i1">When offered a present</div> <div class="i3">Of gloves or a gown or a hat:</div> <div>And more than his talisman saved him in fare</div> <div>Fortunatus expended in putting things square!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>And <em>The Moral</em> is easily said:</div> <div>Like our hero, you&#8217;re certain to find,</div> <div>When such a cap goes on a head,</div> <div>Retribution will follow behind!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="sadness" id="sadness"></SPAN><em>How a Princess Was Wooed<br/>from Habitual Sadness</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>In days of old the King of Saxe</div> <div class="i1">Had singular opinions,</div> <div>For with a weighty battle-axe</div> <div class="i1">He brutalized his minions,</div> <div>And, when he&#8217;d nothing to employ</div> <div class="i1">His mind, he chose a village,</div> <div>And with an air of savage joy</div> <div class="i1">Delivered it to pillage.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>But what aroused within his breast</div> <div class="i1">A rage well-nigh primeval</div> <div>Was, most of all, his daughter, dressed</div> <div class="i1">In fashion medi&#230;val:</div> <div>The gowns that pleased this maiden&#8217;s eye</div> <div class="i1">Were simple as Utopia,</div> <div>And for a hat she had a high</div> <div class="i1">Inverted cornucopia.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></SPAN></span> In all her life she&#8217;d never smiled,</div> <div class="i1">Her sadness was abysmal:</div> <div>The boisterous monarch found his child</div> <div class="i1">Unutterably dismal.</div> <div>He therefore said the prince who made</div> <div class="i1">Her laughter from its shell come,</div> <div>Besides in ducats being paid,</div> <div class="i1">Might wed the girl, and welcome!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>I ought to say, ere I forget,</div> <div class="i1">She was uncommon comely&#8212;</div> <div>(Who ever read a Grimm tale yet,</div> <div class="i1">In which the girl was homely?)</div> <div>And so the King&#8217;s announcement drew</div> <div class="i1">Nine princes in a column.</div> <div>But all in vain. The princess grew,</div> <div>If anything, more solemn.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-117a.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="292" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w"> <div>One read her &#8220;Innocents Abroad,&#8221;</div> <div class="i1">The next wore clothes eccentric,</div> <div>The third one swallowed half his sword,</div> <div class="i1">As in the circus-tent trick.</div> <div>Thus eight of them into her cool</div> <div class="i1">Reserve but deeper shoved her:</div> <div>There was but one authentic fool&#8212;</div> <div class="i1">The prince who really loved her!</div> </div> <div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-117b.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="319" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_118" id="Page_118"></SPAN></span> He&#8217;d alternate between the height</div> <div class="i1">Of hope and deep abasement,</div> <div>He caught distressing colds at night,</div> <div class="i1">By watching &#8217;neath her casement:</div> <div>He did what I have done, I know,</div> <div class="i1">And you, I do not doubt it,&#8212;</div> <div>Instead of bottling up his woe,</div> <div class="i1">He bored his friends about it!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>In brooding on the ways of Fate</div> <div class="i1">Long hours he daily wasted,</div> <div>His food remained upon his plate,</div> <div class="i1">&#8217;Twas scarcely touched or tasted:</div> <div>He said the bitter things of love,</div> <div class="i1">All lovers, save a few, say,</div> <div>And learned by heart the verses of</div> <div class="i1">Swinburne, and A. de Musset!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-119.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="363" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>This attitude his wished-for bride</div> <div class="i1">To silent laughter goaded,</div> <div>Until he talked of suicide,</div> <div class="i1">And then the girl exploded!</div> <div class="o">&#8220;You make me laugh, and so,&#8221; she said,</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;I&#8217;ll marry you next season.&#8221;</div> <div>(Not half the people who are wed</div> <div class="i1">Have half so good a reason!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_120" id="Page_120"></SPAN></span> <em>The Moral</em>: The deliberate clown</div> <div>Can never beat love&#8217;s barriers down:</div> <div>&#8217;Tis better to be like the owl,</div> <div>Comic because so grave a fowl.</div> <div>From him we well may take our cue&#8212;</div> <div>By him be taught, to wit, to woo!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="far" id="far"></SPAN><em>How a Girl was too Reckless<br/>of Grammar by Far</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn&#8217;t any chin,</div> <div>Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in;</div> <div class="i2">Her general form was German,</div> <div class="i3">By which I mean that you</div> <div class="i2">Her waist could not determine</div> <div class="i3">To within a foot or two:</div> <div>And not only did she stammer,</div> <div>But she used the kind of grammar</div> <div class="i2">That is called, for sake of euphony, askew.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>From what I say about her, don&#8217;t imagine I desire</div> <div>A prejudice against this worthy creature to inspire.</div> <div class="i2">She was willing, she was active,</div> <div class="i3">She was sober, she was kind,</div> <div class="i2">But she <em>never</em> looked attractive</div> <div class="i3">And she <em>hadn&#8217;t</em> any mind!</div> <div>I knew her more than slightly,</div> <div>And I treated her politely</div> <div class="i2">When I met her, but of course I wasn&#8217;t blind!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_122" id="Page_122"></SPAN></span>Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll,</div> <div>She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll,</div> <div class="i2">And threw with much composure</div> <div class="i3"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_123" id="Page_123"></SPAN></span> A smallish rubber ball</div> <div class="i2">At an inoffensive osier</div> <div class="i3">By a little waterfall;</div> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_124" id="Page_124"></SPAN></span> But Matilda&#8217;s way of throwing</div> <div>Was like other people&#8217;s mowing,</div> <div class="i2">And she never hit the willow-tree at all!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-125.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="706" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This serves in the easiest way to explain</div> <div>What is meant by taking an aim in vain.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_126" id="Page_126"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_127" id="Page_127"></SPAN></span> One day as Miss Mackenzie with uncommon ardor tried</div> <div>To hit the mark, the missile flew exceptionally wide,</div> <div class="i2">And, before her eyes astounded,</div> <div class="i3">On a fallen maple&#8217;s trunk</div> <div class="i2">Ricochetted, and rebounded</div> <div class="i3">In the rivulet, and sunk!</div> <div>Matilda, greatly frightened,</div> <div>In her grammar unenlightened,</div> <div class="i2">Remarked: &#8220;Well now I ast yer! Who&#8217;d &#8217;er thunk?&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flright"> <div>But what a marvel followed! From the pool at once there rose</div> <div>A frog, the sphere of rubber balanced deftly on his nose.</div> <div class="i2">He beheld her fright and frenzy,</div> <div class="i3">And, her panic to dispel,</div> <div class="i2">On his knee by Miss Mackenzie</div> <div class="i3">He obsequiously fell.</div> <div>With quite as much decorum</div> <div>As a speaker in a forum</div> <div class="i2">He started in his history to tell.</div> </div> <div class="figleft b" style="width: 300px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-127.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="291" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div class="o"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_128" id="Page_128"></SPAN></span> &#8220;Fair maid,&#8221; he said, &#8220;I beg you, do not hesitate or wince,</div> <div>If you&#8217;ll promise that you&#8217;ll wed me, I&#8217;ll at once become a prince;</div> <div class="i2">For a fairy old and vicious</div> <div class="i3">An enchantment round me spun!&#8221;</div> <div class="i2">Then he looked up, unsuspicious,</div> <div class="i3">And he saw what he had won,</div> <div>And in terms of sad reproach he</div> <div>Made some comments, <em>sotto voce</em>,*</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div class="center">* (Which the publishers have bidden me to shun!)</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></SPAN></span> Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold:</div> <div class="o">&#8220;I <em>never</em>! Why, you forward thing! Now ain&#8217;t you awful bold!&#8221;</div> <div class="i2">Just a glance he paused to give her,</div> <div class="i3">And his head was seen to clutch,</div> <div class="i2">Then he darted to the river,</div> <div class="i3">And he dived to beat the Dutch!</div> <div>While the wrathful maiden panted:</div> <div class="o">&#8220;I don&#8217;t think he was enchanted!&#8221;</div> <div class="i2">(And he really didn&#8217;t look it overmuch!)</div> </div> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 400px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-129.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="258" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: In one&#8217;s language one conservative should be:</div> <div>Speech is silver, and it never should be free!<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_131" id="Page_131"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="madness" id="madness"></SPAN> <em>How the Peaceful Aladdin<br/> Gave Way to His Madness</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 500px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-130.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="522" alt="2098" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>His name was Aladdin.</div> <div>The clothes he was clad in</div> <div class="i1">Proclaimed him an Arab at sight,</div> <div>And he had for a chum</div> <div>An uncommonly rum</div> <div class="i1">Old afreet, six cubits in height.</div> <div>This person infernal,</div> <div>Who seemed so fraternal,</div> <div class="i1">At bottom was frankly a scamp:</div> <div>His future to sadden,</div> <div>He gave to Aladdin</div> <div class="i1">A wonderful magical lamp.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_132" id="Page_132"></SPAN></span> A marvel he dubbed it.</div> <div>He said if one rubbed it</div> <div class="i1">One&#8217;s wishes were done on the spot.</div> <div>Now what would you do</div> <div>Were it offered to you?</div> <div class="i1">Refuse it undoubtedly (not)!</div> <div>It&#8217;s thus comprehensive</div> <div>With pleasure extensive</div> <div class="i1">Aladdin accepted the gift,</div> <div>And, by it befriended,</div> <div>Erected a splendid</div> <div class="i1">Ch&#226;teau, with a bath and a lift!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_133" id="Page_133"></SPAN></span> Not dreaming of malice,</div> <div>One year in his palace</div> <div class="i1">He led a luxurious life,</div> <div>Till his genius dread</div> <div>Put it into his head</div> <div class="i1">That he needed a beautiful wife.</div> <div>Responding to friction,</div> <div>The lamp this affliction</div> <div class="i1">At once for Aladdin secured;</div> <div>The latter, delighted,</div> <div>Imagined he sighted</div> <div class="i1">A future of quiet assured.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div>When gladly he chose her,</div> <div>He didn&#8217;t suppose her</div> <div class="i1">A philatelist, always agape</div> <div>For novelties, yet</div> <div>She had all of the set</div> <div class="i1">Of triangular stamps of the Cape.</div> <div>Some people malicious</div> <div>Proclaimed her Mauritius</div> <div class="i1">One-penny vermilion a sell.</div> <div>But that was all rot. It</div> <div>Was true she had got it,</div> <div class="i1">And the tuppenny blue one as well!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_134" id="Page_134"></SPAN></span> Since thus she collected,</div> <div>As might be expected,</div> <div class="i1">She didn&#8217;t for <em>bric-&#224;-brac</em> care,</div> <div>So she traded the lamp</div> <div>For an Ecuador stamp</div> <div class="i1">That somebody told her was rare!</div> <div>This act served to madden</div> <div>The mind of Aladdin,</div> <div class="i1">But, &#8217;spite of his impotent wrath,</div> <div>His manor-house vanished,</div> <div>To nothingness banished,</div> <div>And while he was taking a bath!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-134.png" width-obs="400" height-obs="329" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_135" id="Page_135"></SPAN></span> The average Arab</div> <div>Is hard as a scarab</div> <div class="i1">When some one has wounded his pride,</div> <div>So he jumped up and down,</div> <div>With a cynical frown,</div> <div class="i1">On the <em>face</em> of his beautiful bride!</div> <div>He had picked up a cargo</div> <div>Of curious <em>argot</em></div> <div class="i1">While living in Paris the gay;</div> <div>In the slang of that city</div> <div>He cried without pity:</div> <div class="i1"><em>&#8220;Comme &#231;a tu me fich&#8217;ras la paix!&#8221;</em></div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-135.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="361" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></SPAN></span> <em>The Moral:</em> When stamps you&#8217;re adept on</div> <div class="i1">Of risks you are reckless, and yet</div> <div>Beware! If your face is once stepped on,</div> <div class="i1">That&#8217;s the last stamp you&#8217;re likely to get!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="jar" id="jar"></SPAN><em>How a Fisherman Corked<br/>up His Foe in a Jar</em></h2> <div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/divider.png" width-obs="50" height-obs="67" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>A fisherman lived on the shore,</div> <div class="i1">(It&#8217;s a habit that fishers affect,)</div> <div>And his life was a hideous bore:</div> <div class="i1">He had nothing to do but collect</div> <div>Continual harvests of seaweed and shells,</div> <div class="i1">Which he stuck upon photograph frames,</div> <div>To sell to the guests in the summer hotels</div> <div class="i1">With the quite inappropriate names!</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-137.png" width-obs="500" height-obs="335" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> <div><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_138" id="Page_138"></SPAN></span> He would wander along by the edge</div> <div class="i1">Of the sea, and I know for a fact</div> <div>From the pools with a portable dredge</div> <div class="i1">He would curious creatures extract:</div> <div>And, during the season, he always took lots</div> <div class="i1">Of tourists out fishing for bass,</div> <div>And showed them politely impossible spots,</div> <div class="i1">In the culpable way of his class.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/i-138.png" width-obs="300" height-obs="235" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> <div>It happened one day, as afar</div> <div class="i1">He roved on the glistening strand,</div> <div>That he chanced on a curious jar,</div> <div class="i1">Which lay on a hummock of sand.</div> <div>It was closed at the mouth with a cork and a seal,</div> <div class="i1">And over the top there was tied</div> <div>A cloth, and the fisherman couldn&#8217;t but feel</div> <div class="i1">That he ought to see what was inside.</div> </div> <div class="figcenter"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></SPAN></span> <ANTIMG src="images/i-139.jpg" width-obs="600" height-obs="706" alt="" title="" /></div> <div class="caption four2"> <div>This shows us the fisher beginning to blow</div> <div>Of preserving himself while he pickled his foe.<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_140" id="Page_140"></SPAN></span></div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div> <span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></SPAN></span> But what were his fear and surprise</div> <div class="i1">When the stopper he held in his hand!</div> <div>For a genie of singular size</div> <div class="i1">Appeared in a trice on the sand,</div> <div>Who said in the roughest and rudest of tones:</div> <div class="i1">&#8220;A monster you&#8217;ve foolishly freed!</div> <div>I shall simply make way with you, body and bones,</div> <div>And that with phenomenal speed!&#8221;</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>The fisherman looked in his face,</div> <div class="i1">And answered him boldly: &#8220;My friend,</div> <div>How you ever were packed in that space</div> <div class="i1">Is something I don&#8217;t comprehend.</div> <div>Pray do me the favor to show me how you</div> <div class="i1">Can do it, as large as you are.&#8221;</div> <div>The genie retorted: &#8220;That&#8217;s just what I&#8217;ll do!&#8221;</div> <div>And promptly re&#235;ntered the jar.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div>The fisherman corked him up tight:</div> <div class="i1">The genie protested and raved,</div> <div>But for all he accomplished, he might</div> <div class="i1">As well all his shouting have saved.</div> <div>And, whenever a generous bonus is paid,</div> <div class="i1">The fisherman willingly tells</div> <div>The singular tale of this trick that he played,</div> <div>To the guests in the summer hotels.</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: When fortune you strike,</div> <div class="i1">And you&#8217;ve slipped through a dangerous crack,</div> <div>Get as forward as ever you like,</div> <div class="i1">But never, oh, <em>never</em> get back!</div> </div> <p class="link"><SPAN href="#contents">Back to contents</SPAN></p> <hr /> <h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_142" id="Page_142"></SPAN></span><SPAN name="envoi" id="envoi"></SPAN><em>Envoi</em></h2> <div class="verse flleft b"> <div>Now don&#8217;t go and say you&#8217;d a dim</div> <div class="i1">Idea of these stories before,</div> <div>For I&#8217;ve frankly confessed them from Grimm,</div> <div class="i1">The monarch of magical lore:</div> </div> <div class="verse flright b"> <div>And if, by repeating, I took</div> <div class="i1">Your time, I will candidly vow</div> <div><em>This</em> moral (the last in the book)</div> <div class="i1">Has never been published till now!</div> </div> <div class="verse flcenter w b"> <div><em>The Moral</em>: The skeleton&#8217;s Grimm,</div> <div class="i1">But I have supplied the apparel,</div> <div>So it&#8217;s fifty per cent, of it Him,</div> <div class="i1">And it&#8217;s fifty per cent. of it Carryl.</div> <div>But still (from the personal severing,</div> <div class="i1">For it isn&#8217;t my nature to grump,)</div> <div>I acknowledge a measure of Levering</div> <div class="i1">Levering-ed the whole of the lump!</div> </div> <SPAN name="endofbook"></SPAN> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />