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Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus

I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New York I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on hoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I had jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York had a different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn't have care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a standin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when all to onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I ever seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between a band wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced at the hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentleman standin' thar: "Mr. in the name of all that's good and bad, what do you call that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I sed: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he sed: "You kin if you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about busted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in that 'bus. Thar wuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little valise in her hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took out a purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out a dime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, and shet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on the front of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened the valise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse and put in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, I had to snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist couldn't help it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller a five-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer a spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind end of the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I did, and it was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, I want to see you." Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made up my mind if he indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in about a minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honest injun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that's jist what I done," and he sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole durned outfit.

Ambition—Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and
another man a convict.—Punkin Centre Philosophy


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